FINDERS KEEPERS
I've been saved!
WAS NOT MY INTENTION BUT I SHALL ADAPT ACCORDINGLY
*Twelve Years Later*
...This meeting feels significant but I can't quite put my finger on why
I CONCUR- MUDA
So this is our relationship... Not a fan
He's your brother now!
...Very much not a fan
*Seven years later*
I'm dying now!
It's dio and I'm gonna prove it goodbye!
...what
I am incidental character Speedwagon here to kill you! *Spinny hat*
Hello incidental character Spee-
Just kidding! We will be business partners for generations spanning over a LITERAL century!
oooooooookay
I've proven you're killing my father!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU WITH THIS STABBY BLOOD MASK FIRST
WAIT- I CHANGED MY MIND HUEHHGHHEGHHERHHGHGHHRHGGHRGHGH
THIS IS A VAMPIRE STORY NOW
Not unless I set you on fire first!
NOT UNLESS I TAKE OVER THE WORLD FIR-
What- No you don't say that yet
- WHAT - what
JONATHAN WHY AM I ON FIRE
...what
This turned out to be quite the unfortunate set of circumstances but at least dio's dead
...Definitely
*It turned out that dio was not actually dead*
I am Baron Zeppeli here to teach you how to kill dio with magic sunlight punches!
yeah okay wait how do you know dio's still alive
uuh... your breathing is wrong- ehh
*And then Jack the Ripper came out of the horse*
DUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm glad you gave me this glass of wine so that I knew to punch the wall to kill Jack the Ripper!
YOU KILLED MY MINION JACK THE RIPPER NOW I WILL KILL YOU WITH ZOMBIES!
Not unless I use a magic sunlight punch first! Extendo-arm Overdrive Overdrive Overdrive!
YOU CANNOT HURT ME WITH YOUR MAGIC SUNLIGHT PUNCH
BECAUSE YOUR MAGIC SUNLIGHT PUNCHES USES YOUR BLOOD FLOW
AND I'M GETTING RID OF ALL OF THE VAPOR FROM MY ARM WHICH MAKES MY ARM LIKE ICE
AND MY ICE ARM FREEZES YOUR BLOOD MAKING YOU NOT BE ABLE TO USE YOUR MAGIC SUNLIGHT PUNCHES ON ME
*collapsed lung noises*
I-I mean I guess I can't argue against that
GO BIG GUY AND HAIR GUY
*And then they fought big guy and hair guy and their backstories are really important I promise*
No but really, they are! There was this feud between Queen Elizabeth the first and Queen Mary who-
I thankfully defeated hair guy by attacking him and then not attacking him
Now I have the Luck Pluck Sword let's go fly a leaf kite-
- weeeeeeeeeee! - Flaaaaashbaaaaaaaack
I wish to learn how to use magic sunlight punches!
You will be killed when you say the words "I will attack big guy"
Not sure if I understaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand
Oh no I'm tied up and about to die unless somebody attacks big guy!
- I will attack big guy- AGH - *big guy explosion noises*
I can't believe Zeppeli sacrificed himself and gave me all his power what a dramatic twist of fate!
Look out, it's tongue guy!
I have defeated tongue guy!
Look out, it's slow kick guy!
Actually, I'm a good guy
Me too probably
I was the guy in Zeppeli's flashback
Look out, it's snake guy!
- *bang* - Cool, uh- Can we please just fight dio already?
IT'S TIME FOR OUR FINAL BATTLE
Um- actually first, I'm going to attack you with one of my famous "slow kick" (trademark) attacks
*dies*
I guess that's just how it be sometimes
Fine- NOW it's time for me to fight dio-
LET'S INTRODUCE FOUR MORE NAMED CHARACTERS
- I'M PAJYU - I'M JONES
- I'M PLUTON - I'M BARNUM
WE'RE ALL DEEEEEEEEEEEAD
...Are we done? ...Okay cool
I will now attack dio with my luck pluck sword supercharged with magic sunlight-
Overdrive Overdrive Overdrive Overdrive Overdrive Ovrddrbllrlblbllrlbl
IT DOESN'T WORK BECAUSE ICE
Foiled again- Surprise! The sword was on fire this whole time!
...I BREAK THE SWORD
I punch you!
I FREEZE YOUR HAND!
Foiled again- Surprise! My hand was on fire this whole time!
I SHOOT YOU WITH MY LASER EYE ATTACK!!
your what
WRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
*And then dio's head flew away*
Hurrah! Now I can return to my previous life as a humble whatever with my new wife-
- HELLO - Now that dio's finally dead.
...Definitely
*It turned out that dio was not actually dead*
I INFILTRATED THIS BOAT TO STEAL YOUR BODY
The obvious only course of action is to sacrifice myself for the greater good- Wife take this baby
- YE - *boat explodes*
*And then the boat exploded*
MY HUSBAND IS DEAD
...And also I'm pregnant
BUT AT LEAST I SURVIVED BY HIDING IN THE MEGA BLAST-PROOF COFFIN dio CAME HERE IN-
*throat not having much of a grand ol' time*
AT LEAST dio'S DEAD NOW... DEFINITELY
...DEFINITELY
*Except what ACTUALLY happened is DURING the explosion dio STOLE Jonathan's body
and somehow ALSO hid in the coffin in a SEPARATE COMPARTMENT
that was DEFINITELY THERE the WHOLE TIME
and slept for A HUNDRED YEARS under the sea
- and invented STANDS which are the - ZA WARUDO
- physical manifestations- - *TOKI YO TOMARE*