AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
~~It turned out that DIO, DIO, DIO DIO DIO DIODIODIO~~
hhehehehehhhehhehehehhehehehehhehehehehehhh
SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT *nyeh* SOMETHING IS QUI-
*plane*
hhehhehheheh- GET OUT
No
hhehehehhehehhh- GET OUT
If I get out I will kill you with this funky purple dude who keeps conveniently giving me everything I want
soda RC car gun
*BANG* Okay not doing that one again that was a little stupid
*Consumed by flame* GET OUT
Alright that’s it you’re-
- Yaaaaaayyyyy~! - Good job Avdol!
What a bother
Okay so your funky purple dude is what is known as a stand
And they are the physical manifestations of the fighting spirit and all have weirdly specific special and/or situational abilities!
So only stand users can see other stands
(except for when they don’t)
Only stands can harm other stands
(except for when they don’t)
And all damage done to a stand will reflect the user!
(except for when they don’t)
You need to pay attention and remember these new rules because NOTHING will make sense from now on otherwise
Cool
Mohammed Avdol’s Magician’s Red:
Shoots fire
My stand is Hermit Purple and my ability activates when I punch a camera WA-HAHH!
How did you figure that one out
Trial and error!
Joseph Joestar’s Hermit Purple:
Punch a camera see a naked man
There he is!
It’s DIO! He was about to take over the world but then my grandfather Jonathan Joestar killed him
except he didn’t actually because DIO stole Jonathan’s body and I can tell because he’s got the star birthmark
everybody in the Joestar lineage definitely always had including me,
you my daughter Holly, and you my grandson Jotaro
- Wow I somehow never noticed - Wow I somehow never noticed
It is your destiny to defeat DIO! And mine! It is both our destinies
Not yours- To defeat DIO, and he will be beaten, and-
Oh my god I don’t care
I, Kakyoin, have been sent here by DIO to defeat-
OHH greeat is this what we’re doing then
ORA *boof*
Noriaki Kakyoin’s Hierophant Green:
I guess he possesses a body that one time but he mostly just shoots rocks
Okay so I guess since we’re all doing tarot cards for stand names
I will assert myself as one who passes judgement on others, thus I shall name my stand
YOU GET THIS ONE
SUTAA PURACHINA
...Uhhh Star Platinum it is then
Jotaro Kujo’s Star Platinum:
Punchy boy
Look I know we got off on the wrong foot but I was being possessed by this DIO forehead squid
would you mind if I became a main character?
Whatever
Oh no! Holly’s developing a stand but it’s killing her!
Mild cough fever headrush dainty swoon faint!
Holly Kujo’s Who Cares:
...I can’t possibly explain this without sounding sexist
Not that this will make any sense in the greater canon but we need to save her by getting rid of her stand
and we do that by killing DIO! ...Probably. I can feel it it’s in my blood or whatever
As the old adage goes, he cannot be beaten up unless I am standing next to him…
...Unless… Unless I am close to him…
Okay bad read don’t worry I’ll think up something more clever
~~THEY FOUND IT IT’S THE FLY~~
It’s the fly!
Let’s go to Egypt!
- Yes! - Yes! - Yes!
*plane*
I HAVE USED MY OWN CAMERA PUNCHING ABILITY AND DISCOVERED THEY ARE ON A PLANE GOING IN MY DIRECTION
GOOD THING I ALREADY PUT A SABOTEUR ON THAT PLANE WHICH I GUESS MEANS I KNEW IN ADVANCE THEY WERE GOING TO GO ON THAT PLANE
MEANING I DIDN’T NEED TO PUNCH THIS EXPENSIVE CAMERA WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY
I WILL NOW PROCEED TO NEVER USE THIS ABILITY AGAIN AND HAVE SEX WITH AT LEAST FOUR PEOPLE
- It’s the fly! - It’s the fly!
I hope it doesn’t say “Massacre” on the wall
AAAAA *stab*
Gray Fly’s Tower of Gray:
Not actually a fly
*Plane crashes*
This was a huge waste of time and we almost killed like 70 people
This is all your fault I’m never going on a plane again
Hey break it up you two-
ORA *boof*
Check this out-
Jean Pierre Polnareff’s Silver Chariot:
He has a sword
Also he can take off his armor and it makes him, like- faster?
Also he can shoot his sword, but only once…??
Look I know we got off on the wrong foot but-
Yeah yeah forehead squid got it
I anticipate we' ll either have a team of thirty by the end of this trek
or we just so happen to coincidentally stop seeing forehead squids from this point forward
I will follow you to Egypt to go find the man with 6 fingers UHH I mean the man with two right hands
because he killed my father I mean my younger sister hey check this flashback out
I’M GOING TO CONVINCE YOU USING THIS FOREHEAD SQUID TO GO BEAT UP THE JOESTARS IN A YEAR I GUESS
BECAUSE THIS FLASHBACK SCENE IS FROM A YEAR AGO WHICH IS A LITTLE CONFUSING
ANYWAYS LOOK AT THIS CRYSTAL BALL IT SHOWS A VISION OF THE TWO RIGHT HAND MAN
HAHA LOOK AT HOW CHARISMATIC I AM I WILL NOW PROCEED TO NEVER USE THIS ABILITY AGAIN
OH LOOK IT’S 10 O’CLOCK FETCH MY TANKTOP I HAVE A DATE
~~The plane didn’t work so now they’re taking a boat OH NO~~
The boat didn’t work!
Jotaro’s in the water!
Imposter Captain Tennille’s Dark Blue Moon:
He’s in the water
Wow I can’t believe you pointed at him so hard he exploded!
Natural Talent
*VERY LOUD BOAT HORN*
Forever’s Strength:
Yes the orangutan is the user
Yes the orangutan has a name
Yes the boat is the stand
OH MY GOD THE BOAT IS THE STAND
No thanks!
How annoying!
What an exhausting trek please exit my fridge
YOU FOUND ME
HHGHHCHHGHCKCKK
NOW YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY
HHGHGHKCKKGHKCK
Devo’s Ebony Devil:
No no I mean, he gets stabbed right, and he gets angry, and the anger makes him possess the doll?
Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the-
Wait you mean you don’t need to punch a camera to use your ability?
Kakyoin’s gonna kill you!
OH-
I Kakyoin am going to kill you
You’re not Kakyoin
I can’t believe you saw through my ruse
ORA *boof*
Goodness I say-
Rubber Soul’s Yellow Temperance:
Look, I know ending last episode with a “Kakyoin’s a traitor” cliffhanger
was a bit of a fib but it was cool for a second right?
...Right?
I have been attacked by the man with two right hands, I must go alone to fight for revenge!
...Or you could not
THIS IS MY BATTLE TO WIIIIIN
Imma getcha
THE ENEMY!
Hol Horse’s Emperor:
- GUN - *bang*
Oh jeez whatever will I do!
uhhhhhhhhhh
~~Avdol’s dead…?~~
I will have my revenge!
My foolproof strategy will involve revealing myself to you and yelling at people HEY Y'ALL
HHGHGHKCKKGHKCK
J. Geil’s Hanged Man:
Technically not a man in the mirror
Get my good side
*click* *spurt*
Oh nooo
The next thing you will say is “Chumimin!”
...chumimi- *DONK*
Nena’s Empress:
Arm goop
Road trip!
Duel 1971 vroom vroom
What?
ZZ’s Wheel of Fortune:
Duel 1971 vroom vroom
I’m exhausted again let’s pit stop in the literal worst town ever
Hello welcome to worst town ever I am not evil don’t mind the zombies
Nice lady, nice lady, right? What a nice lady
*angery*
I have returned!
No you haven’t!
Correct!
Hello nice lady!
aaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
Enyaba’s Justice:
See where incorrect breathing
GETS YOU
Wow I can’t believe you breathed so hard she imploded!
Natural talent?
Interrogation begin!
- *BANG* - Well I tried!
Hello you cannot punch me-
ORA *boof*
MY KIDNEY
Or else you will hurt Joseph Joestar!
- Uh oh - Uh oh
FUCK
Steely Dan’s Lovers:
So Jotaro was just left alone with someone he’s not allowed to punch I can only imagine this will go well
Not that this will make any sense in the greater canon but we must enter Joseph’s brain by becoming super small
which is something we could definitely always do and fighting the enem-
THE ENEMY
...E-enemy's stand
I shall provide a live feed and commentary!
...Which is something I also definitely could always do
We found him no we haven’t yes we have!
- He’s out! - We did it!
Uh oh
ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA ORA! *Boof*
Arabia Fats’ The Sun:
Lol
- Lol - Lol - Lol *Smack*
Man Egypt sure is far away!
Hey, something we actually agree on
Do you think that means-
Yh- Wait, no, we’re not-
Maybe we could-
No we’re not taking-
Maybe we could fly-
WE’RE NOT TAKING A PLANE
Fly the rest of the way?
JIJI
- *Plane* - ...Oh
- *Crash* - GODDAMMIT
IT’S ALL THE BABY’S FAULT wait no it’s not
...WAIT YES IT IS
Mannish Boy’s Death 13:
Tally-ho but said wrong
Hey look it’s Avdol!
I’m not Avdol I’m… Gray… Avdol.
Wow!
HAVE YOU WATCHED ALADDIN
That ain’t out yet
Uhhhh then this might take a hot minute to explain
Cameo’s Judgement:
Morph dirt
It is I, Mohammed Avdol, and I am alive again!
Now when I’m winning I do a little dance that’s my new thing
Wow I like this new Avdol!
Hey guys, Avdol’s alive!
Yeah duh hey look a method of transport we haven’t been attacked in yet!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YEAH DUH”
I can only see this going well
AHHHH AHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH
Midler’s High Priestess:
Morph mineral
The sea sucks! Nothing good ever happens in the sea!
You cannot destroy the teeth, it is as hard as diamonds, and diamond is unbreakab-
Bb ...Diamond is unbrehh… blehh
We’ve arrived in Egypt!
We’re also pretty much out of tarot cards so we must be almost done!
...Definitely
GOOD WORK THAT’S IT FOR TODAY TEAM, TIME TO MOVE OUT
BECAUSE I GUESS THE INCIDENTAL CHARACTER SPEEDWAGON FOUNDATION FOUND OUT WHERE I LIVE SOMEHOW
Delivery!
Look, it’s our new dog friend main character companion!
He has three funny quirks:
1 - He chews hair!
2 - He farts when chewing hair!
3 - He eats coffee gum?
What a funny wacky character! Also he’s a stand user
WOOF
Iggy’s The Fool:
Morph sand… Car
Here I go I’m gonna getcha
Ahh, goodness gracious... uhhhhhhh
N’doul’s Geb:
Attacked by water? In the DESERT? OH what irony
*Plane?* *thbt*
I’ve got you now
*DOG* WOOF
You have been defeated now tell us who-
Good grief!
I may have destroyed my brain but I will first detail a bit of handy exposition for your consideration,
your next set of stand-user villains including me are all based on the 9 Egyptian gods
extending this series roughly an extra 20 episodes
have fun fighting a bird and a sword despite that flashback scene exclusively showing humanoid characters, bleh
Hey so we need to defeat 9 Egyptian gods
So you mean we have to defeat 8 Egyptian gods?
Yes, we need to defeat 6 Egyptian gods
Got it!
...Oops- OOPS- Oops- Oops- *Explosion*
Oingo’s Khnum - Morph faaaace
Boingo’s Thoth - Book that you read and nothing else
I will get you now that Polnareff has the sword!
That would be threatening if punching the sword wasn’t an option
What do you mean punching the sw- *ORA*
Anubis’s… Anubis:
evil sword nyehh >:)
- *bzzt* HBGBGBBGHBHBGHBH - Hello Polnareff-shaped child
- Mariah’s Bastet: - Alessi's Set:
- *ELECTRICAL OUTLET* - Shadow ax child Polnareff penis
- You wouldn’t believe what we just had to deal with - You wouldn’t believe what we just had to deal with - You wouldn’t believe what we just had to deal with - You wouldn’t believe what we just had to deal with
- it was weirdly sexual! - it was weirdly sexual! - it was weirdly sexual!
what
WA-HAH! New image!
It’s DIO’s building!
We must approach DIO to approach that building… Wait, no, other way around
I know where that building is but you must gamble with me
Daniel J. D’Arby's Osiris:
*Subpar Pokemon Battle Jingle imitation*
You will play the cat game will the cat go left or right
Right!
HEY CAT GO LEFT
Meow
You lost the cat game
BuuaAHHH
Play the drink game!
Roll for precision
Twenty!
Not good enough
Yh- w-what do you mean nOT GOOD ENOWAAAAHHH-
Play the card game!
Wow I have the best cards I’m so good
What!
I’m just the absolute best at this game I can’t be beat
HHGHHRHGHRHHGG *table flip*
*pop* *pop* wow
RHINOCEROS BEETLE RHINOCEROS BEETLE-
I have returned!
NO YOU HAVEN'T
...Correct!
…RHINOCEROS BEETLE RH-
Hello child together we are invincible and will defeat the oops
- Oops - *Explosion*
Today in Polnareff teaches about foreign culture!
Do not sit down! Tip your kettle over!
Never drop your things! You are always paying too much!
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A TOILET
It is time for my episode!
It is I bird cacaw!
Pet Shop’s Horus:
Under Pressure but bad
We have located the Taj Mahal or whatever!
Thanks to our old pal Iggy!
I HATE THIS EVERYTHING HURTS
Also I’m back and wearing a new pair of snazzy sunnies!
…You know, for protection
We must enter the building!
Play my video games *shlorp*
- No no no no no no no no - No no no no no
Terence T. D’Arby's Atum:
OH THAT'S A BASEBALL!!
First try idiot
Well, it’s been two seconds, time to burn the whole building down
Wait! What if we instead went inside to locate the enemy oursel-
THE ENEMY
Woof
Blehhh!!
Oh neat
Kenny G.’s Tenor Sax:
...eeehhhh he’s dead now so whatever
THEY HAVE APPROACHED MY HIDEY HOLE HERE IN THE TAJ MAHAL OR WHATEVER
PROVE YOUR LOYALTY BY CHOPPING OFF YOUR HEAD
*swish*
HEHHEHHEHHEH COOL
~~Meanwhile, in the Taj Mahal or whatever~~
FI- *voom*
Oohhhh nooo!! This couldn’t get any worse!!!
- *voom* - AAHHHHH GAAHHD
Vanilla Ice’s Cream:
A SNAKE HEAD EATING THE HEAD ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE
I found you!
TO BEAT ME YOU MUST APPROACH ME
Okay!!
ZA WARUDO
Ghhehehghhgheghhghhheehhehhehehhhehhehheh
I’M VERY INTIMIDATING
Goodness gracious!
Hey guys, so, everybody’s dead and DIO’s confusing
Sucks! But sounds about right
We should attack him now!
We should not!
Good idea let’s do both
*Bbbbbbbbbbbbb*
*Shhhhhhhhhhh*
Why were we never doing this before!
ALWAYS WISH UPON A STAR!
I have an idea on how to learn DIO’s ability!
I will create this web and-
- *BOOF* - Good job Kakyoin!
*Oof* Hey Jotaro! DIO’s ability is to stop time-
ZA WARUDO
I WIN, NOW I WILL- OH, GODDAMN MAGIC SUNLIGHT BULLSHIT NYEH
HGUEHGH
IT’S TIME FOR OUR FINAL BATTLE
I have to get closer before I can shit on you-
Agh- DAMMIT
ZA WARUDO!!
HAHAH! YOU’VE BEEN JAPED!
IT WAS DIFFERENT TO WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING I BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING
DIO’s THE WORLD:
Punchy boy
...Oh, and-
ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA
MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA
WE APPEAR TO BE SIMILAR IN STRENGTH AND SPEED
I HOPE THIS DOESN’T TRANSLATE INTO OTHER SIMILARITIES ZA WARUDO
I’M GONNA GETCHA
e
WHAaAaAaAaT THE FUCK!!
WHAT WAS THAT
What was what
THAT THING YOU DID
A loser says what
- WHAT - Aaahahhahhahah
ZA WARUDO
OHHH IT WAS JUST A MAGNET YOU LITTLE WEENIE YOU
- ORA - GGBRGRGRGB *Smash*
I HATE THIS AND I HATE YOU ZA WA-
OHHH GREAT IS THIS WHAT WE’RE DOING THEN ZA WARUDO
NNNYBHBEHHYBYHEBHYH
Uh oh
uuueeeeeeeeeeehh
Oh no, I’ve been got ugyaaa I’m definitely dead
TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF-
WAHAH!
TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF!!
WAIT ARE YOU DEAD
...yes
OKAY THEN I-
- ORA - UGGHEGGMEMGGBBGEBGBGBG
Give me a fucking break uh oh
NOW I’M SUPER DUPER POWERED AND FULL OF JOESTAR BLOOD
EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY I WAS ALREADY FULL OF JOESTAR BLOOD BBBBRRFBBRFFFF
LOOK AT ME GO LOOK AT ME GO AREN’T I JUST THE BEST
DON’T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT WHERE I GOT THIS LIPSTICK FROM
- ORA - OH NO HERE COMES THE JOJE
SURPRISE I CAN STOP TIME FOR EVEN MORE SECONDS NOW
Not that that wording makes any sense-
ZA WARUDO!!
ロードローラーだ！！ (ROADOROLLAH DAA!!)
MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA
Surprise BITCH!
WRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
~~And then DIO’s head exploded~~
Hey! Wake up! Are you alive again?
'Weird Al' Yankovic canonically exists in the JoJo universe!
...Okay he’s back
I’m still alive too!
- Hurrah - Hurrah
- Good talk bye! - Call me!
~~Meanwhile, in Japan~~ - WOAW
~~Hey remember when this story was about vampires? Me neither-
Anyway so DIO’s body melts in the sunlight~~
Okay so we may or may not’ve lost half of our crew and killed countless bystanders
but at least DIO’s dead!
…Definitely.
…Definitely?
...Re- Really? Ah uh...
Okay, well uhh... Time to go see my wife who I have a healthy monogamous relationship with! ...Ah, oh wait
やれやれだ- (Yare yare da-)
~~Walk Like an Egyptiaaaan…~~
Look, they stopped using Roundabout by this point in the show? So I- I thought- I thought maybe like I should