Hi MTV, I'm a female in my mid-20s. Some of my favorite memories
Were hanging out with my friends, eating pizza, reading magazines, and watching music videos
On your channel.
Anyway...these days I noticed that you only seem to air reality shows
With really horrible vapid people
And I just wondered:
Why don't you play music videos anymore? Thanks, Natalie.
Dear Natalie:
Are you fucking kidding me?
Should we all preserve your precious sleepover moments spent
watching promotional material from record labels in amber, like the mosquitos
in Jurassic Park? The answer is Fuck You.
i'm gonna break it down for you and every other person born before 1995
Otherwise known as
Not Our Fucking Demo Anymore...so we can all finally put this behind us.
Yes, back in the day we earned our brand credibility by breaking new artists, but music videos
were only worth making if they had actual promotional power behind them. And the game has changed.
Your generation...not the one before you, not the one after you...
Your generation decided to steal music. And music videos
are more worthless than ever before. Puff Daddy used to be able to drive a speedboat through an explosion.
At least that looked cool.
Now you're lucky if you can make it through some dire, piece of shit video
without a character checking their hot new iPhone for three seconds at a concert. Surprise:
That gaudy, blatant product shot
is the only reason that video got funding in the first place.
Why bother otherwise when you can build an avid Twitter following for free?
Before I continue, I just want to reiterate:
It's your generation that stole music and it's your generation that's bitching
about us not playing music videos anymore. Okay, all right, moving on.
But MTV, where can I go to hear hot new music from my favorite artists?
Oh I dunno. How about the most empowering informational tool since the printing press, aka the internet?
You subscribe to their Twitter feeds, you follow them on Facebook. You trust a computer
algorithm like Pandora to tell you what new artists you should listen to. And you can watch
their music videos again and again and again on YouTube. Build a fucking playlist
if you're so inclined. Are you seriously not sick of your favorite artists yet? Do you have
such a ladyboner for Mumford & Sons that you need to see them tumbling out
of one more screen in your house? If we played music videos today,
Here's what we'd be forced to play: Katy Perry, Owl City, Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, Carly Rae Jepsen...
we might as well change our name to iTunes music store TV. And you'd complain
that we don't play enough Pavement, REM and Nirvana.
Which brings me to my final point:
Admit it. You're getting older, and you're afraid.
Soon,
You'll be totally irrelevant to pop culture.
Phased out.
Soon you'll get married and have kids,
develop totally new interests relevant to their survival and happiness.
When you wanna cut loose for a night out, you'll hire a babysitter,
check silly old antiquated Google for showtimes and realize: No movie looks good to you
anymore.
Worst of all,
Your favorite artists will charge an arm and a leg for their comeback tour tickets, and they're gonna look
really old onstage.
That is, if they don't already.
So you toss out that old chestnut, as a hip form of
rebellion against The Man.
"Why doesn't MTV play music videos anymore?"
And here's the kicker:
That complaint is literally old enough to drive a car by now.
and to answer your question about why we only air horrible reality shows
about vapid people:
Because you watch that shit to feel superior. Go ask the mirror why you watch it, I don't give a shit.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a check to write myself.
Hi, is this the check office?
I'd like to write a check to myself.
For like a whole shit-ton of money............excellent.