I Spoke to Ms. Smarty Pants Today Written by the Bronywriter
Twilight Sparkle lifted a basket full of apples off of her back and plopped them down on the
floor of Applejack's barn.
She stretched and cracked her neck to get a little feeling back in them before turning
to Applejack who was depositing apple baskets of her own.
She pushed her Stetson up and wiped a layer of sweat off of her brow.
"Thank ya kindly fer helpin' me out today, Twilight."
Twilight grinned at her friend.
"No problem at all, Applejack.
You know I'm always glad to help."
"Ah just don't know where Big Macintosh coulda gotten off to."
Applejack's eyes narrowed, and she glanced out in the direction of the schoolhouse.
"He'd better not be hangin' out with that schoolteacher again."
Twilight chuckled and put her hoof on Applejack's shoulder.
"I'm sure he's fine.
There's a reasonable explanation, I'm sure of it."
"He didn't say what his plans were when y'all came by and saw him today?"
Twilight shook her head.
"You know him.
He doesn't really say much anyway."
Twilight smiled and rubbed Applejack's shoulder.
"I'm sure he's okay."
Applejack sighed and nodded.
"Yeah, Ah know yer right, Twi.
Ah'll go out lookin' for him if he ain't home in an hour."
"Speaking of that, I'd best be heading off," said Twilight.
She motioned to the door of the barn.
"It's getting pretty dark, and you know Spike.
He's going to get in some kind of trouble if I'm not there to make sure he gets to bed
on time."
Applejack snorted.
"Yeah, yer right."
Applejack threw her foreleg over Twilight's shoulder and pulled her in for a hug.
"Thank y'all fer helpin' me out.
Ah really appreciate it."
"Any time, AJ.
Any time."
Twilight took an apple out of one of the baskets and trotted out of the barn, munching on the
apple as she did.
The sun had already set, and the moon was just beginning to creep over the horizon,
illuminating Twilight's path back to her home.
She finished the last bite of her apple just as the silhouette of her house appeared in
the distance.
She smiled to herself and began humming the song Pinkie Pie had sung a few weeks back
about how she loved it when ponies smiled.
She reached the front door just as the moon reached its peak in the sky.
With a burst of her horn, she pushed the door open and stepped inside.
"Spike!
I'm home!
Sorry I'm late, Applejack and I were harvesting her apples and it took a little longer than
we thought."
Twilight closed the door behind her and was immediately plunged into total darkness.
Not even the moonbeams shone through the curtains.
"Spike?" she called again.
"Spike, are you here?"
Twilight frowned and illuminated her horn.
It was quite unlike Spike to be in bed this early, and even more unlike him to go to bed
when she had not returned home.
Usually she returned home to find him raiding the fridge, or playing some game with Peewee.
She frowned and moved in the direction of her bed.
"Maybe Spike went out gem hunting with Rarity and it tired him out," she mumbled.
Twilight trotted up the stairs and walked up to Spike's basket.
She lifted his blanket up.
Nothing.
She turned around and scanned the dark main floor of the library.
"S...
Spike?
Spike, this isn't funny!"
She was only met with silence.
She growled and walked back down the stairs.
"Where is that silly dragon?"
Twilight walked over to her desk and brightened her horn a little more.
The light fell on a small, magically powered lamp and she emulated a ball of light from
her horn into the lamp.
The light stopped in the center of the lamp, and Twilight twisted a knob until the light
shone brighter.
"Okay, Spike, if you're hiding somewhere to scare me.
I'm coming to find you!" she called out.
"This is getting old!"
"Oh, Twilight.
Spike isn't here anymore!" giggled a disembodied voice that echoed throughout the library.
Twilight gasped and nearly knocked over the lamp as she spun around.
"Who are you?!
Where are you?!"
The voice giggled again.
"Why, Twilight, don't you remember your oldest friend?"
Twilight growled and lifted the lamp into the air, moving it around to light up different
parts of the library.
"I've never met you before in my life!
Is this some prank somepony is pulling?"
Twilight moved the lamp so that it was shining on the bookshelf closest to the door.
"Pinkie Pie?
Are you and Rainbow Dash pulling some kind of prank again?
You know I don't like it when you do that."
"Guess again!" the voice crowed.
"Nopony here but you and me, Twilight."
Twilight took a few steps towards the center of the room.
The voice had to be coming from somewhere close, but it seemed to be coming from all
around her at the same time.
It reminded her somehow of a gleeful old lady with a high pitched voice.
it didn't sound like anypony from Ponyville, and it was unlikely to be somepony from Canterlot.
"I'm getting tired of this game!"
Twilight snapped.
"Either tell me who you are or I'm calling my friends here so we can deal with you!"
"Oh Twilight, I'm the only friend that you will ever need."
The voice sighed.
"It pains me to hear you say that you don't like games.
You used to love them back when it was just you and me."
"Show yourself!"
Twilight snarled.
The voice scoffed.
"Well, if you insist.
I'm on the table just a few hooves away from you."
Twilight narrowed her eyes and adjusted her magical grip on the lamp.
She took a few steps forward, but stopped when she felt something wet underneath her
hooves.
Frowning, Twilight lifted up her left foreleg and moved the lamp down to examine her hoof.
What she saw made her squeal in fear, and she nearly dropped the lamp.
The underside of her hoof was lined with a wet coat of deep crimson blood.
It was fresh.
To complete the picture, a dark brown feather was stuck to the bottom of her hoof.
Twilight let out a shriek and took a few steps backwards.
"What did you do to Owlowiscious?!"
"Hmm, well let's see.
You just stepped in a mess of his feathers and blood.
I think it's safe to assume that he isn't out having tea with Fluttershy!"
The voice began cackling.
The cawing laugh echoed throughout the library, causing Twilight to step back a few more paces
and flatten her ears.
"Please stop," she whimpered.
"Whoever you are, just leave!"
"But Twilight, I thought we were best friends!" the voice pouted.
Twilight bit her lip and began walking towards the table again.
Each step brought forth more wetness underneath her hooves.
It could just be ketchup.
This is all just some prank, I'm sure of it!
She reached the edge of the table and slowly raised her lamp into the air.
The small beam of light bathed the table in an eerie glow, and everything on the table
cast a long shadow.
"Where are you?"
Twilight squeaked.
"I...
I can't see you!"
"I'm right here, Twilight!
Surely you can see what is right in front of you.
You are quite the observant mare, after all."
Twilight squinted and leaned in for a closer look at the table.
"I can't see you.
If you..."
Her eyes landed on the one object on her table that was out of place.
The one object that she didn't remember putting there before.
She let out a small gasp and snapped her head back.
"Smarty Pants?"
"Bingo!" the voice cried.
"You're just as smart as I remembered, Twilight."
"No," Twilight whispered.
"No, it isn't possible!
Big Macintosh has you!
I even told him that he could keep you!"
"Yes, that was something you did, wasn't it?"
The voice lowered into an other-worldly growl.
"I don't appreciate being abandoned by you, Twilight.
I am yours and you are mine.
That has been the way it works since we met."
Twilight pulled the lamp back, draping darkness over the table once again.
"No, this isn't possible!
You're with Big Macintosh!
You're just a doll!
You can't move anywhere!"
"Oh, Twilight, don't you see?
A toy as loved as I am always finds its way back to its owner."
Smarty Pants' voice grew menacing again.
"Always."
"No, you're not alive!"
Twilight lowered the lamp closer to the floor, revealing the full extent of the bloody carnage.
Feathers drenched in blood littered the floor.
Twilight's hoofprints were clearly visible in the carnage.
To complete the picture, a small crumpled mass was lying still in the corner nearest
Twilight.
She wailed in fear and backed away.
"What did you do to my owl?!"
Smarty Pants giggled.
"Twilight, that's not your silly little owl.
I'm not sure where he is.
Let's just leave it at this: you and I are the only living creatures in this whole library!"
"You're not alive!"
Twilight screamed.
"You're just a doll!"
Twilight raised the lamp and poured more magic into it to light up the room even more.
"I know you're just some sicko pretending to be Smarty Pants!
Get out here so I can tear you apart!"
"Twilight, I already told you that I'm on the table.
It's me: Smarty Pants.
I'm your best friend!"
"I don't know why you stole Smarty Pants from Big Macintosh, but he is going to scour the
planet for you!"
Smarty Pants chuckled.
"Twilight, Twilight, Twilight.
If you think that that moronic stallion is any more alive than your little pets, think
again.
I wouldn't have been able to get here otherwise."
Tears began welling up in Twilight's eyes, and she began backing away from the table.
"I...
I'm going to get the Princess now," she said through her sobs.
"We're going to burn you to ash!"
"I'm sorry, Twilight.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that."
Twilight growled and shot a bright beam of magic directly at Smarty Pants.
The shot hit the doll and immediately set it aflame.
The fire crackled around Smarty Pants for a few moments before it slowly faded away,
leaving nothing but a scorch mark on the table.
Twilight took a few tentative steps towards the table and moved the lantern closer.
Yep, no more Smarty Pants.
"How did this happen?" she whispered.
"Now Twilight, you really didn't think that you could get rid of me that easily, did you?"
Twilight jumped into the air with a yelp, dropping the lamp as she did.
It shattered on the ground, forcing the treehouse into darkness once more.
"No!" she wailed.
"Go away!"
"I told you, Twilight, toys like me always find their way back to those who loved them
the most.
Remember when I was your only friend?"
Smarty Pants sighed.
When she spoke next, Twilight heard her over her left shoulder.
"All of those night spent studying and doing our homework.
We would sneak into the library after dark and read all of the books that we wanted until
sunrise!
Don't you miss that?
You didn't have to abandon me for your Ponyville friends!
How could you do that to me?"
Twilight wheeled around and shot another beam of magic towards the noise.
It collided with the bookshelf and blew the entire section away, scattering the remains
all over the room.
"You're going to have to do better than that, Twilight," Smarty Pants mocked.
"Maybe you don't have it in you to hurt your best friend?"
Twilight turned tail and ran towards the front door.
"If I can't hurt her, I need to escape."
She fired up her horn and her magical aura encased the doorknob.
She pulled it to open the door, but the knob popped right off.
With a groan of frustration, Twilight ignited her horn to shed some light in the room and
ran towards the door.
She slammed her whole body weight on it, but it didn't budge an inch.
She spun around and glared at the darkness.
"Open the door, Smarty Pants!" she yelled.
"Not until you and I have a talk, Twilight," Smarty Pants replied.
Twilight fired up her horn to teleport out of the house.
Gonna go to Applejack.
She'll know what to do.
Twilight's horn glowed brightly as the spell started up, but just as soon as it began,
her horn sputtered out.
"Come now, Twilight.
You can't get out that easily.
We have some serious catching up to do.
Why, I hardly know anything about you since I was locked in a trunk for five years."
"SHUT UP!"
Twilight snarled.
She bolted in the direction of the stairs, running towards her balcony window.
As she reached it, she shot another spell at the window.
It bounced right off of the glass, ricocheting right back towards her.
She threw herself at the ground and the spell whizzed past her head, hitting another bookcase
and sending the books flying.
"This isn't possible," she whispered.
"A doll can't do this."
Twilight felt a small pressure on her back; a pressure that reminded her of the times
that she had let Smarty Pants ride there when she was carrying her around.
"Twilight, back here," Smarty Pants whispered in her ear.
Twilight yelped and leaped into the air, but the pressure of Smarty Pants on her back was
still there.
Twilight ran towards the curtains covering the balcony window and grabbed them in her
teeth.
She yanked them back as hard as she could, but they didn't move in the slightest.
She lost her grip on them and the force of her momentum knocked her off balance.
She tumbled backwards, narrowly managing to avoid falling down the stairs.
"There's no getting out of our talk, Twilight.
I just want to sit down and talk like the friends I know we are."
"You're not my friend!"
Twilight screeched.
"Get out of my house!"
Twilight began bucking up and down in an attempt to throw Smarty Pants off of her, but the
doll stayed fixed to her back as if glued there.
She ran over to the nearest corner and rubbed her back on it in an attempt to scrape Smarty
Pants off, but it was no use.
"Twilight, I must ask that you stop this nonsense at once," Smarty Pants chided.
"It's like I said, I just want to talk.
I did what I did to your pets so that we could be alone just like the old days when you were
a filly!"
"Stop it!
Get away from me!"
"Let's go into the kitchen and we can have a midnight snack and read just like we used
to!"
Twilight heard Smarty Pants sniffle.
"Don't you love me anymore?"
"No I don't!"
Twilight screamed as she began bucking again.
"Let me out of here!
Get off of me!"
Smarty Pants giggled and Twilight felt the stuffed hoof pat her on the head.
"Twiliiiiight, don't you at least want to try hanging out again?
Who knows?
You could really like it.
A tea party could jog your memory about the old days."
"No!
Go away and leave me alone!"
Smarty Pants groaned, and Twilight felt her crawl onto her head.
"Twilight, if you don't stop bucking around, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to take
drastic measures to make sure you and I hang out tonight."
"Stop!
Go away and let me out of here!"
Twilight bolted towards the door and slammed her body into it.
"UNLOCK THE DOOR, SMARTY PANTS!"
"Twilight, I'm going to count to three.
If you don't stop screaming like a foal at nap time I'm going to have to make sure you
quiet down."
"Please just leave me alone!"
Twilight sobbed.
"I wanna get out of here!"
"One..."
Twilight's sobs became louder, and she continued slamming her body into the door.
"J-just l-leave me al-lone!
"Two..."
"Please just leave me alone, Smarty Pants!"
Twilight begged.
"I don't want to be your friend!"
"Three."
* * * * Rarity hummed an upbeat ditty to herself as
she trotted over to Twilight's library home.
She had not seen her friend nor her dragon assistant for almost three days now, but it
had happened that she got so focused with studying for some big test that she forgot
to get some sunshine every now and again.
She reached the door and rapped on it three times.
"Twilight, darling, are you in there?
It's Rarity."
Rarity perked her ears up and leaned in closer to the door.
The library was silent for a few seconds before Rarity heard movement from inside the treehouse.
She smiled to herself and straightened back up just in time for Twilight to open the door.
She smiled when she saw Rarity and opened the door a little more.
"Hey, Rarity.
What brings you here?"
Rarity returned Twilight's smile.
Her friend looked very well groomed and rested, so she clearly was taking care of herself.
Yes, this was likely just a studying binge.
"Good afternoon, Twilight.
I was wondering if Spike was around.
You see, I'm in desperate need for some rubies, and I need his help."
Twilight shook her head, her grin never leaving her lips.
"I'm sorry, Rarity.
He's not around anymore."
Rarity frowned and cocked her head.
"Anymore?"
Twilight shook her head again with a little more force.
"Nope.
I'm having a tea party with Smarty Pants right now.
Would you like to join?"
Twilight leaned in and her voice took on a conspiratorial tone.
"We're making brownies, then we're going to do our homework together!"
Rarity flattened her ears and took a step backwards.
"T-Twilight, did you say 'Smarty Pants'?"
"I did, Rarity!"
Twilight chirped.
"I really did, didn't I?
She and I have been reconnecting for the past few days now that that meanie Big Macintosh
doesn't have her anymore.
In fact—" Twilight's head perked up and she swiveled
her ears in the direction of the kitchen.
"Did you say something?"
Silence was her only reply, but Twilight nodded as if somepony responded.
"Okay, I'll tell her."
Twilight turned her attention back to Rarity.
"I'm sorry, Rarity.
Smarty Pants wants it to be just us this time.
I'm sure you understand.
Maybe we can get together sometime next week, okay?"
Rarity slowly reached out a hoof and touched Twilight's shoulder.
"Twilight, I—" The instant Rarity's hoof made contact, Twilight
flinched back and an almost primitive snarl emanated from her throat.
Rarity snapped her hoof back and flinched away.
Twilight stared intently at Rarity for a few seconds before her wide smile returned.
"I'm sure we can set up some time later.
Smarty Pants says that next week may not work, but we'll figure something out."
"Twilight, please talk to me!"
Rarity pleaded.
"What do you mean with this 'Smarty Pants' business?"
Twilight shrugged and began slowly closing the door.
"I told you, Rarity.
Smarty Pants and I are catching up.
We have a lot more to do, so if I could get back to that..."
Rarity shot a hoof forwards and blocked the door.
"Twilight, where is Spike?!"
Twilight giggled and continued closing the door.
"I told you, he's not here anymore.
It's just me and Smarty Pants."
"Twilight, stop it with the Smarty Pants nonsense at once!"
Twilight continued closing the door, slowly crushing Rarity's hoof as she did.
"Twilight, you're hurting me!"
"It's not nonsense, Rarity," Twilight insisted.
"It's just us catching up.
Now if you'll excuse me, please."
Rarity ignited her horn and forced the door open a little more.
"Twilight, please let me in so I can talk to you!"
Twilight pushed back on the door just as Rarity poked her head inside The door pressed against
her neck, but Rarity was able to scan the inside of the library.
The first thing that caught her eye was a glint of red staining the floor.
She shrieked when she realized what it was.
"Twilight, why is there blood on the floor?!"
"Rarity, Smarty Pants says that she just wants us to be together today!"
Twilight snarled.
"I'll talk to you later!"
At the word 'later', Twilight slammed her body onto the door, smashing the edge against
the side of Rarity's head.
Rarity groaned in pain, but forced herself to look around the room for the source of
the blood.
Bloody feathers were scattered around the floor, and Rarity saw what could only be Twilight's
hoofprints in the blood.
Finally, her eyes locked onto a crumpled mess in the corner.
She inhaled sharply when she saw who it was.
"SPIKEY WIKEY!" she screamed.
Spike lay unmoving in the corner.
His head was twisted nearly backwards, revealing a long, jagged gash at his throat.
His eyes were glazed over, and his mouth was twisted in a silent scream.
In his claws were the plucked remains of Twilight's owl, and a pile of ash that could only have
been Peewee lay beside him.
A burst of magic shot forth from Twilight's horn, knocking Rarity back.
She grunted as she collided with the ground, and a jolt of pain coursed through her cracked
hoof.
She snapped her head up just in time to see a magical glow encase the door, windows, and
the surrounding tree.
Slowly the bark of the tree began creeping up on the door and windows, sealing the library
shut.
Rarity could only scream as she watched Golden Oaks library slowly revert back into nothing
more than an ordinary tree.
Amidst her screams, Rarity was only barely able to make out the giggling voice of Twilight.
"Sorry for that, Smarty Pants.
Rarity can be kinda forceful when she wants to hang out.
Would you like some more tea?"
Rarity began sobbing and dragged herself over to where the door used to be.
"Twilight!
Twilight, what's happened to you?!"
"I like this, Smarty Pants.
It's just you and me now.
It should have always just been you and me.
Just you and me.
Just you and me."
Rarity began pounding on the tree, and was about to let out another scream when she heard
a guttural voice echo
out
of the treehouse.
"Just you and me."