♫ When you got Animal Crackers
♫ You don't have to do anything
♫ You just eat your Animal Crackers
♫ And that's life ♫
("Whine About It" by Julian Velard)
♫ Whine about it
♫ Whine about it ♫
- Hey everyone my name is Matt Bellassai
and this is Whine About It, a weekly video series
where I get drunk at my desk and complain about stuff.
On this week's very special episode,
Reasons Growing Up Is The Worst,
brought to you by Universal Pictures' Sisters.
- [Voiceover] Sisters. - Grown up parties suck.
- Such a brilliant idea.
- Re-slickin'.
(crowd cheers)
- Because growing up is basically one, long
painful reminder that you'll never be a kid again
and life is a meaningless downward spiral
of responsibility and despair.
(exhales deeply)
Well, let's drink!
(jubilant music)
Oh, good.
Okay, there we go.
(jubliant music)
Okay, that's enough.
All right, first of all,
growing up means that every time you eat
like you live in crusty garbage can
you feel like you're a crusty garbage can.
You just eat whatever the f(beep)k
you want when you're a kid.
I could shove an entire 18-inch calzone down my throat
and f(beep)in' hula hoop for hours.
But now when I shove an entire 18-inch calzone
down my throat I'm "disgusting" and "immature"
and "too old to be going to the hospital
"for things like this every week."
All these for my love for calzones.
Next, grown up hangovers.
Hangovers when you're young are just, like,
soft, gentle goose-feathered pillow fights.
Just gently rubbin' against your face skin.
But grown up hangovers are like if a bear
came into your bedroom while you're sleeping
and just ripped off your scalp.
Then a bigger, even angrier bear
comes in and joins the first bear.
Just gnawing on your worthless, alcohol ridden brain.
Also, grown up parties are the f(beep)ing worst.
Oh, it's a dinner party.
You have to wear a bow-tie.
Talk about khaki pants and carry a briefcase.
F(beep)k-off.
Kids' parties are the f(beep)ing shit.
I wanna eat cake,
I wanna drink juice
and I wanna scream the lyrics to I Want It That Way
until I pass out to a pile of my own sugary vomit.
Also I'd like to ride a pony,
if a pony were to be available to me.
He's a pretty pony named "Felipe."
Felipe the pony.
Next, grown up means that one day you wake up
and you're tired and that's it.
You're just tired forever.
You just keep being tired until you die.
And the only thing that makes you feel awake is cupcakes.
Just never stop eating cupcakes
and you'll be awake forever.
You'll probably die in like a week but
what a week.
Next, makin' friends.
'Cause when you're a kid,
all you gotta do is walk up to someone,
say you like their light-up shoes
and then bam!
You're splitting a pack of Starburst behind the Jungle Gym.
If you're an adult, what are you supposed to do?
Am I supposed to tell you about my hobbies and interests?
Are we supposed to go down to the tennis club,
play f(beep)ing chess?
No, I'd never do that.
Because you're awful and all grown ups are awful.
And I don't wanna be f(beep)ing friends with you.
Next, eating ice cream isn't even fun anymore
when you're old.
When you're a grown up,
eating ice cream is just a "thing" you do
to stay busy while you cry.
Also, when you're a grown up,
everything you do to have fun costs money.
When I was kid, five dollars could last me
the whole g(beep)n month.
Now five dollars can't buy me shit.
Five dollar can buy me what?
Just one big old meatball.
What good is that gonna do me?
That'll keep me busy for like 15 minutes.
And then what?
And finally, being a grown up means you suddenly have a
whole bunch of responsibilities that you never had before.
Everybody's always yelling at you to do something.
You can't just sit on your couch in Spider-Man underwear
and drink chocolate milk
and yell at a cartoon sponge.
Well guess what?
I don't give a flappin' f(beep)k about being an adult.
And I will drink my chocolate milk
and I will wear my Spider-Man underwear
and I will scream at whatever
cartoon sponge I wanna scream at until the day I die.
That is the truth.
All right, everybody.
Thank you for watching this very special
episode of Whine About It.
As always, you can find our videos every week
on wineaboutit.tumbler.com.
And my page, which is facebook.com/buzzfeedmatt.
And you'd find our videos on YouTube on BuzzFeed Video.
And that's it, that's everything, that's everything.
("Whine About It" by Julian Velard)
♫ Whine about it
♫ Whine about it ♫
- Spicy.
No, thank you.
No, thank you, boogers.
Not today.