(chains ratling)
(door opens)
(metal dragging)
Skeeves: Took you two long enough.
Mud: Metal pony heavy!
Flog: And ya coulda helped, Skeeves!
Skeeves: Yeah, I don’t do manual labor, I lead.
Mud: Ah thought Dark Heart was the leader?
Skeeves: Well yes, but when Dark ain’t here I’m in charge.
You idiots wouldn’t be able to find your heads if they weren’t attached.
Flog: Oi! Don't lump me in with this dummy! I could lead...if I wanted to.
Skeeves: Tell it to the bottom of the Wild Pegasus in your bag. It might care a bit more.
Flog: Up yers!
(door slams)
Skeeves: Watch him until I get back. Do you think you can do that?
Mud: Ah think so…
Skeeves: You’d better or I’ll give Flog back his whip.
(door opens)
(door slams closed)
The Storyteller: He seems charming. You okay with that kind of treatment?
Mud: Their mah friends.
The Storyteller: I think you have a very skewed view of friendship. Pinkie would be appalled.
Mud: Pink Pony! Where?
The Storyteller: Haha, nowhere. Or everywhere. Though it would depend on who you ask.
My point was Pinkie Pie, who was rumored to be friends with everypony she met,
would disagree with your notion of friendship.
Mud: Oh...didn’t ya say she ran a ministry?
The Storyteller: She did. The Ministry of Morale. I’ll tell you about it, if you do me a favor.
Mud: Wha favor?
The Storyteller: Attach that pipbuck to my armor and follow a few simple instructions.
Mud: Uuuuuuuuh...ok.
The Storyteller: Pinkamena Diane Pie was a fun loving and energetic pony long before she became
one of Equestria’s most iconic ponies.
She worked at a bakery named Sugarcube Corner. The ruins of which can be found in Ponyville.
Other Sugarcube Corner ruins can be found in other cities as well,
but the one in Ponyville was the first.
When she was offered a government ministry she opted to call her’s The Ministry of Morale.
Originally the Ministry of Parties, but in the end she went with Morale at the behest of Princess Luna.
Its focus was intended to help maintain and increase Equestrian morale
during the parts of the war in which it operated.
They primarily functioned as the government police, in some cities they even took over and absorbed
the existing police force.
If only that was its true purpose.
You mentioned that her infamous
“Pinkie Pie is Watching FOREVER!” advertisements creep you out, right?
Mud: Yeah...
The Storyteller: That was the intent,
In the end, Pinkie Pie, like Rarity, took charge of her ministry directly.
Unlike the Ministry of Image, the Ministry of Morale didn’t respect their leader.
Depending on who you ask, Pinkie Pie was not the one who ran her ministry.
According to them the Ministry of Morale was the most corrupt ministry.
A major turning point was when pinkie was introduced to the cognitive drug, Mint-Als...
Mud: Co-g-wha?
The Storyteller: It means it helps with your thinking.
Continued use makes thinking off the drug a struggle as the synapsis…
Mud: Uhhh…
The Storyteller: The part of the brain that helps you remember things.
Mint-Als were not only very addictive, but they had an unusual effect on Pinkie.
Accounts vary, but the drug somehow reacted with what she called a “Pinkie Sense,”
a form of… something manifesting as nervous ticks, which she claimed helped her predict the near future.
Mint-Als took away that limitation,
allowing her to target criminals before they could commit their crimes...
among other instances of supposed future sight
The thing was, Mint-als were a drug imported from Zebrica, the very nation that was at war with Equestria.
The drug was outlawed early into its circulation, ensuring its popularity among the less lawful populace.
Pinkie Pie, the ever persistent pony, made her own
very potent, Equestrian Grown, and much more addictive variant: Party Time Mint-Als...
which were outlawed just as fast, despite her frequent attempts to prevent it.
Despite this, Pinkie Pie fell deeper into her addiction,
believing they helped her find “bad ponies” and bring them to justice.
When I said her ministry didn’t respect her, this is why.
She trotted all over the laws she was supposed to uphold and no pony can respect a leader who doesn’t respect their own duty.
Her addiction destroyed her in the eyes of her friends and followers.
It's hard to follow a pony up to their eyeballs in Dash.
Mud: Dark Heart's respected and he’s always taking Med-X.
The Storyteller: Your leader's a Med-X addict?
Mud: Yep! An we all respect 'em
The Storyteller: I stand corrected.
It was those far reaching premonitions,
quietly called “unstable delusions” by her ministry,
that drove Pinkie into increasing paranoia of all the “bad ponies” in Equestria.
Her tactics of surveillance and interrogation increased tenfold.
Mud: How?
The Storyteller: Ever see those spritebots floating around the wastes?
Most ponies view them as a minor nuisance or target practice
...or for Red Eye a way to spread his twisted message.
Mud: Hah ho, Ah love the sounds they make,
but Flog’s always shootin’ ‘em when they get near.
Ah don’t think he likes ‘em very much.
The Storyteller: He might have a point.
They were originally designed as secret spy bots to record and transmit data to the Ministry of Morale hubs,
spying on everypony and everyone under the guise of “Uplifting Parasprite Sentries”.
As with so many things involving Pinkie Pie, the surprise is in the name.
That’s actually how Red Eye was able to spread his message.
The heart of his operations was in the Fillydelphia Fun Farm,
one of several Ministry hubs disguised as theme parks.
Though the Ministry of Morale was not known for subtly for many hubs.
Even those supposedly hidden, were very noticeably pink,
over the top, or not as well hidden as the pink party pony thought.
Despite this, some Ministry of Morale hubs are still waiting to be discovered to this day.
Mud: And the intow...inter...Interrian...intermission?
The Storyteller: Interrogation.
The most famous form was the use of Memory orbs.
Memory Orbs, and the Black Opals used in Recollectors, are used to store memories.
Not originally designed for the purposes of interrogation,
they nonetheless found themselves right at home in the Ministry of Morale’s cruel toy box.
They were originally invented as a form of therapy long before the ministries,
the spells involved were invented to remove traumatic memories.
The Ministry of Morale used them to forcibly extract incriminating memories to use as a confession,
when more mundane methods didn’t work…
Or the Ministry ponies stopped feeling merciful.
The process was incredibly painful however, and left the victim with memory gaps.
As the Ministry grew more brutal and corrupt,
they stopped using the precise and time consuming methods developed by therapists.
Their favorite method was akin to using a chainsaw to perform brain surgery.
Leaving empty shells where a pony, zebra or creature used to be when all was said and done.
Mud: That's all they did?
The Storyteller: For the most part, yes.
According to the Lightbringer’s story, they worked with the Ministry of Awesome to get a zebra named Zecora
to be a double agent for Equestria
and were mounting a raid on a place called Four Stars on the day the megaspells went off.
The transportation company was full of zebra sympathisers, involved in smuggling drugs and weapons into Equestria.
The Lightbringer also confirmed Pinkie’s death by immolation...
uh...burning alive...
during her exploration of the hub in Manehatten.
She likely perished when the hub’s shield failed during the bombing of Manehatten.
There is a whole slew of hubs along the Big 52 highway,
but I was planning on visiting them if I ever made it out to Caledonia,
so I don't know much about what purpose they may have served yet.
She did plan an awful lot of parties and events including the Grand Galloping Gala in Canterlot
starting the year after Luna took the throne, and first after her reign ended on the Final Day.
So I held up my end of the deal.
Mud: Uh...right.
The Storyteller: Hit the second button. (beep) Now the third. (beep) Hit the red button in the middle. (beep)
(robot sounds)
Dark Heart: Why are you wasting my time, Skews?
Skeeves: I swear, your greatness, you will like this I swear. I got you some power armor.
Dark Heart: I’ll believe it when I see it.
(door opens)
The Storyteller: You must be the leader I’ve heard so much about.
Skeeves: Mud, you fucking idiot! He was supposed to be disabled!
The Storyteller: I’d love to interview you. The hierarchy of raiders has always been a gap in my collected notes,
but I have an appointment to make.
(powerhooves dicharage, head splat, body falling over)
Skeeves: OH FUCK!
Please, don’t hurt me. I was just getting a gift for my leader...
former now. I’m just a lacky. I...I uh...can help you get out of here, yeah...I can do that.
The Storyteller: Not interested. Are there more prisoners?
Skeeves: Yes! Yes tons. I can lead you to them.
The Storyteller: Point the way. I’m fine on my own.
Skeeves: Th-th-that way, they're in the post office.
(charging away)
(door slamming)
(wind and robotic hoofsteps)
(wind, robotic hoofsteps, polka music)
(Static)
Spike/Watcher: Excuse me, did you just escape from and wipe out a raider camp in… Five minutes??
The Storyteller: Hello, Spike.
Spike/Watcher: How did you...Right, forgot about Littlepip’s book. Back to the camp,
how did you do it? A single ranger with your usual disregard for excessive force, sure...
but not with just a pair of powerhooves.
Even raiders get a lucky shot every so often...
The Storyteller: These aren’t ordinary powerhooves. They are Displacer Hooves.
They use soundwaves to add force to my bucks.
They were the brainchild of Pinkie and Rainbow Dash. Developed for a pony named Vinyl Scratch,
the original DJ Pon-3.
She had an issue with a stalker and was close friends with the Ministry Mares.
Later implemented for the Ministry of Awesome, in limited numbers...
Spike/Watcher: I remember that. Scratch ended up embedding him in a brick wall.
Although, I thought Rainbow Dash let Applejack and Rarity handle most of her R&D.
The Storyteller: The Ministry of Awesome, surprisingly, was very good at hiding the truth.
Spike/Watcher: So tell me...uuhhh...
The Storyteller: "The Storyteller"
Spike/Watcher: So tell me, Storyteller, what do you know about Rainbow’s Ministry?
What they really did.
The Storyteller: If you’ll listen, Spike. But that is a story for another day.