(♩ " LOUD WINDOWS XP LOG IN SOUND"♩)
J: Yeah P: Day 1?
P: Oh, My G-
"Orgasms"
P: Oh, you picked the skeleton too!!
♫Spooky♫
♫Scary♫
♫Skeleton♫
♫Sends♫
♫Shivers♫
♫Down♫
♫Your♫
♫Spine♫
[P and J]: YEAH!
J: Course I picked the skeleton
J: Why wouldn't I pick the best character?
[Laughs]
P: They stole the overlay from
P: Left 4 Dead! [Laughs]
J: Yeah I TOLD you!
J: It's so weird looking
[INHALES]
J: And all the buttons are the same as well!
J: AYE
J: I got a bone to pick wit' you, buddy!
P: Good one, buddy!
[Both laugh maniacally]
P: Okay
P: We're supposed to talk to
P: the farmer.
J: Yeah
"Press X."
J: You're not looking so good, dude!
P: Ummmm
[Farmer]: Hey, friend
P: Hey
[Farmer]: Welcome to my farm.
[Farmer]: You gotta kill all those creatures out there.
[Farmer]: I know it seems cruel.
P: Oh God!
P: WAIT! THEY'RE NOT DOIN' ANYTHING, JACK!
P: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN?
P: STOP!!!
P: THEY'RE NOT--
P: THEY'RE INNOCENT!
P: JESUS
P: CHRI--
["Inside" music]
Pewds: It's still alive
Pewds: I'm sorry buddy
Pewds: C'mon
Pewds: Let's get you out of here
Pewds: I'll get you out, my friend..
Pewds: Awh...
Pewds: Poor thing!
[Overlay of Sorsha's vegan rant]
P: CHRIST
J: NO THEY'RE NOT
J: THERE'S 8 ENEMIES!
J: LOOK-- P: KILL EM
P: KILL EM! (bangbang)
P: KILL EM'!
P: OH MY GOD THEY DON'T HAVE A FACE!
P: New weapon in the barn!
J: WEAPON IN THE BARN!
P: Yeah!
J : Mine, mine P: No, mine (Like true seagulls)
P: Hey dont kick the head, what the-- J : *Laughs*
P: Ak-47 Time, baby.
P: OHHHH my god it flies
P: Oh look at this!
P: Jack it's...
P: Jack it's flying!
(high pitch voice) look at this
[Distorted Titanic theme]
[Dunnn]
P: Oh my God look at that over there...
J: Yeah, its some sort of, like, grinder or something
P: Oh my God J: Can we make sausages?
[Both] Oh Jesus Christ! J: What the fuck?!
[Farmer]: If you didn't notice,
P: Oh God
[Farmer]: There's a couple water pumps out there on the farm.
[Pewds and Jack]: Yea.
[Farmer]: You can drink from them to heal yourself.
J: Wooo!
J: Oh come on! P: [laughs] The timing!
[Inhale] J: I need... I need to drink it
P: Why is this game good? It's so shi-- [Laughs]
J: What's the-- what's the point of the meat grinder?
P: If you hit them, they slide like...
P: OOOOH MYYY GOOOOD! J: [Laughing] What the fuck! Oh, I'm all covered in goo now!
["Inside" music]
Pewds: Poor thing.
Pewds: Did you know pigs are really intelligent?
Pewds: I found that out recently, and it made me feel like the worst person ever.
[Pig squealing]
P: Go piggy!!
J: Gaaah! We just made piggy-- P: Yeah!! look at this one!
[Gunshots] J: ?! Get out! Stop that!
P: It's dead.
P: Oooh. J: Woooh.
P: [Imitating] Woooh.
J: [High pitched] OOOOHHH!!! P: [Imitating] OOOOOHHHHH!!!!!
J: [Screaming] OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!! P: [Imitating] OOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!
J: Yeah. This is exactly what people think YouTube commentary is, anyway.
[Laughs]
[Farmer]: Alright, alright.
P: [Mocking] Alright. J: [Laughing]
P: Is this Matthew Mcconaughey?! J: Alright, alright, alright!
[Farmer]: There are other things you need to learn.
[Farmer]: That one's pretty important.
[Dunn]
J: What?
P: Spank that ass! J: Killin' it!!
P: Yeah, boi! J: Oh, I think it can only die if it hits the powerline!
Hey Jack, catch! J: Oh, why'd they crumble?
J: Poont! Four-love! Fifteen...love!
P: Dammit! J: Oh, God, it gets faster the more you hit 'em!
[Both chuckle]
[Romantic music] You have such a beautiful smile...
J: There's like a shit all over your... skull..
Yea, well so do you, asshole.
P: We got a revolver now [Farmer]: Well I guess you deserve this
J: Oooooh
[Farmer]: I put explosives ammo on all the weapons today
P: Ohhh!
[Farmer]: Its time for some revenge
P: Its our birthday!
J: ?? nice! I like how you hold the revolver like "Nyeh"
[Both laugh]
J: "Put em' up see!"
P: Hands up boi!
P: Jesus christ
J: What the fuck
J: Awww yeahehehehehe!
P: [Sarcastically] No this game is not ridiculous at all! Really!
[MLGish Montage incoming]
[Insert Dank memes here]
P: Fuck Pokémon GO I got myself a piggiezard
J: Yeah! Blood and Bacon is where its at! (Get a core message Jack! WTF are you doing?)
P: Heyyyyy
P: What happened?
P: He went inside! (Thats what she said?)
J: He went on top of it
P: The hell? Oh my God he's on the..
J: Here we go! Meat grinding! (Seriously, what the fuck are you doing?)
[Jack laughs]
P: What?
J: It's fuckin' insane
J: Can I have some items? Oh we need a hundred and four!
P: What?
J: We need more! What are you doing?
P: I'm trying to get it in! (That's what she... nevermind)
J: (I don't know what to write here)
J: There we go
J: Now you look at the grinder down here and were almost to a hundred and four
P: Ooooohhh! (Pewds is amazed!)
P: OOOooohhhh! (Pewds is REALLY amazed!)
[Slams pig in the "grinder"]
J: Nice!
P: Noice!
J: Oh! Oooohh!
J: Shoot the grenade and shoot the button!
P: I got a grenade! [Jack cheering in the background]
P: Mine! (Like a true seagull)
P: Igottagrenade! Jack!
J: Howdya get a grenade?
P: Igottanade!
J: Think he's over there go get em'!
P: Bleeaaaahh! (He meant "Fire in the hole" in giblish)
[Inspirational music]
[Micheal Bay worthy scene]
J: Amazing!
J: That was so cool!
P: That was awesome!
J: Imma go talk to Farmer bro. Farmer Dave!
J: Sup Dave!
[Farmer]: I don't wanna scare ya
[Farmer]: But I think things are gonna get a little bit more tough on you
P: I'm scared D:
J: Three piggie
J: Ahhhh!
[Pffft]
P: The physics are so flawless!
J: Yeah!
J: Why do they still run when their heads are shot off they're not chickens!
P: Or maybe they are
[Farmer]: Get out there and have some fun
[Farmer]: Don't let me hold you back
P: No
J: God I turned his voice volume up
Hakuna matata madafakas! (Sepiroth theme starts)
J: Holy fuck! P: OH! WOAH!
P: WOAH! What the fuck thats creepy as hell
J: That's fucking terrifying
P: Close it (Aww hell naw!)
J: Grenade!
P: Close it! D:
P: Close it!
[Jack laughs]
P: Fuck that
J: Yeah! Nope nope nope
P: I'm just gonna sleep this one out
J: He's not moving! D:
P: I'm dying :o
P: I'm dying ?_?
J: ?? doing?
P: I don't...
Pumbaa(???): I am the neat pretty(?) piggie
[Sounds of Pewds dying from ebolo]
P: Wha? I bugged out
Pumbaa(???): ....on talking
Pumbaa(???): about myself
P: What? Is happening? (Confused Pewds is confused)
Pumbaa(???): ...head until you shot me down
J: Uhhmm... Felix? (You ok m8?)
Pumbaa(???): ...Blah blah
J: What is happening?
P: I DONT KNOW!
J: Did you get him?
P: I don't think so
(No shit? You barely even damaged the fucker)
J: Uhhmmm..
J: Weird..
[Intense focus]
[Maximum concentration]
J: Drop it ya big piggie bitch!
P: Uh oh..
J: [Scream of pain]
J: I'm down! D:
P: Ohh my God Jack NO!
J: Help me! D:
P: Im...
Pumbaa(???): ...is no hope!
(Sepiroth theme intensifies)
Pumbaa(???): Just darkness and death..
P: Ok i'm really slow
J: We gotta be careful!
J: Thank you! P: Uhhhh
P: Up you go you boney bitch!
P: Just better keep shooting him
[Jack panicking]
P: He's taking more damage now
[Jack warcries]
P: Shoot her!
P: You shot his ass?
J: I did I shot his ass!
P: That's brilliant why didn't we think of that before
J: SHOT HIM IN THE ASS!
P: Keep shooting *laughs*
P: Dontlethimheal!
P: Shoot the ass! Oh my God he literally has no ass D:
P: He's Taylor Swift (Shots fired?) what the fuck happened?
J: Shoot her!
[Laughs]
P: Oh GOD ITS COMING FOR ME NOOOOooOOOoo!
J: Gonna be fine!
J: I believe in you!
P: No. Literally I'm not fine! Keep shooting please
J: I need to find a well!
P: Ffs just shot! D:
P: I found a well, it's right here fuck you :D
[Jack dying]
P: Fuck you i'm getting the well *laughs* piece of shit!
P: That's what you get!
J: Felix no! D:
P: Oh now you need my help?
P: No no no no!
P: No you need me? You need me?
J: Yes! We did it!
[Cheering]
P: You *Jack cheering* assless piggy
J: Sti- still down
P: Uhhh..
P: Hey buddy, how-how ya doin back there?
J: I'm almost dead
P: Need a heend?
J: I need two boney hands please
P: There ya go buddy!
P: Ha hah!
J: Oh look at his legs!
J: Oh no!
J: Haha, *gun sfx* heheh
[Both laughing]
J: That was a fun adventure!
P: Yeah!
[Sorsha flashbacks]
Subtitler: Ear rape warning. Lower yer volumes!
[Loud static noise]
*Inside flashback*
Pewds: ...can get myself outta here
Pewds: You wanna come with me buddy?
Pewds: Just your jou-
Since he forgot i'm gonna do it for him
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*Insert brofist here*