Dear Crunchyroll:
Stop fucking around, and just give me god damn anime!
Why do I have to look at football players and a bunch of white-ass normie E-list wannabe actors
talking about Attack on fucking Titan every time I click on your website?
Why does the money which you make such a big deal out of going to the anime industry
seem to be getting funnelled into a convention and an American animation production
so blatantly pandering to Western trends that to even consider it anime-inspired is kind of a laugh?
I know literally everyone and their grandma has pointed this out already by the way,
but bragging about having a “diverse staff”,
and then also about having writer’s room entirely composed of similar-looking white women
makes the opposite of sense.
But more importantly than any of that,
how in the flying fuck is it possible that your video player still uses Flash??
FLASH IS LITERALLY SHUTTING DOWN.
The other day someone sent me a plugin that transforms the Crunchyroll player to work on HTML5,
and it’s so much more functional as to be laughable.
It loads faster and more consistently, seeking is way easier, and most importantly,
you can rewind to the 0:00 mark!
DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T FUCKING DO THAT BY DEFAULT??
Yet Crunchyroll’s brilliant video player will remember your place in an episode literally FOREVER--
so if you watched a show five years ago and skipped the ending theme
after the first few episodes because you were marathoning it,
then when you come back to rewatch it, the video auto-plays at the ED,
and you can’t fucking put it back at the beginning
because YOU CAN’T GODDAMN CLICK ON THE 0:00 MARK AND THERE IS NO RESTART BUTTON!!
Not to mention when you DO watch the episode all the way through, it autoplays the next one--
but if you have it fullscreened, then there’s no way to escape
during the needless five-second episode transition--
meaning that even if you wanted to click on the next episode manually
so that you aren’t waiting in silence for five seconds--
or just to get off the episode page before the next episode starts because you’re done watching--
YOU'RE TRAPPED!!
There’s a stupid ass watermark at the top of the screen every single time you start up an episode
reminding you that this stream is exclusive for you,
and a glitch where if you pause the video for long enough,
it won’t play again unless you reload the page.
The translations are all cranked out so fast that they’re full of typos and minor inaccuracies
which wouldn’t be so bad if someone went back through and corrected them,
but they never do--
the same spelling errors can still be found on episodes uploaded half a decade ago.
Not to mention, because of their pants-shitting cowardice on getting into copyright drama,
they made Jojo basically unwatchable by changing all the musical reference character names
--one of my favorite things about the series--
into random made-up bullshit;
even though you can literally HEAR THE CHARACTERS SAYING THE CORRECT NAMES IN THE AUDIO.
This year, Crunchyroll Expo is featuring Bardock Obama as a guest--
a twitter meme lord who leads large-scale harassment campaigns against people he doesn’t like.
Such as me!
Who got attacked for the standpoint of defending loli fanservice--
something he is adamantly against,
in spite of constantly pimping his sponsorships with sites like Crunchyroll
which itself hosts anime like FUCKING EROMANGA-SENSEI.
If you think it’s okay for Crunchyroll to host a guest
who incited his fanbase to send death-threats and pedophilia accusations
at my twitter en masse for days on end
on the basis of supporting a type of media which they themselves propagate,
then by all means, keep giving them your money.
Oh, but Digibro!
Don’t you care about supporting the industry??
Frankly, no.
I don’t really care about propping up the bad habits of idiotic corporations as they slowly eat themselves,
nor am I so utterly delusional as to think that giving 7 dollars a month to an American company
so they can split it among the thirty or so production committees
of all the different shows I might watch in a month
--after taking a cut for themselves to produce Tumblr: The Anime--
is going to service the industry in any way.
Let half of these fuckers fold and see if they don’t start rushing
to find a more consumer-friendly monetization paradigm in a matter of days.
Fuck Crunchyroll, and fuck their preachy narrative about how much they’re doing for the industry.
If the industry wants our support, they can find a way to give us a product worth supporting.
If they can’t do that, then fuck ‘em.
AAAnyways--
support me on Patreon, so I can be a guy,
and I'll see you tomorrow.