- Hi, I'm Hannah,
your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and if you're anything like me,
you believe that a glass of wine at 8 PM
makes you a better mom.
So pour yourself a glass and let's talk about stuff.
Tonight we're drinking
some really fancy rosé, because why not?
Wine not.
Here's why I'm drinking tonight,
my youngest son just started daycare.
And it's about a 45 minute drive
so he doesn't like anything about this new situation.
He screams the entire way to daycare
(screaming)
and the entire way back.
(screaming)
So I'm sitting in an hour and a half's
worth of screaming every day.
So cheers.
So tonight's topic, Are You Ready to Have Kids?
No.
So there's obviously the standard,
like, oh are you financially stable?
Are you emotionally stable?
Probably not.
That's not what we're going to go into tonight
because, yeah that's important,
But there are some other
unspoken things that nobody really talks about
that you gotta know.
So first,
have you ever killed a cactus?
Because cacti are very hard to kill,
they only need to be watered like once month.
So if you have managed to kill one,
you probably shouldn't have kids.
But I have actually killed several cacti
so I don't know if that's bad.
Next, have you ever fallen asleep while driving
and not gotten into an accident?
'Cause raising kids is just as dangerous
and you're expected to do it
while constantly exhausted.
There is a very special type of tired
that you get to experience once you've had kids.
I have done the weirdest shit
from lack of sleep.
Like I'll go outside
and see that I've given our dog a bottle.
I've given her a bottle,
I've given my kid dog food,
no I have not given my kids dog food.
Maybe they've eaten it a couple times.
It's fine.
This rosé is kinda strong.
Can wines be stronger than others?
Next, how strong are the soles of your feet?
'Cause you're about to be walking on Legos everyday.
When my husband and I first got married
he was very adamant about
there are not going to be any kid toys
anywhere but their rooms.
And I was like, yeah, okay, sure buddy.
Hey, hey,
hey,
hey.
Everywhere.
Hey.
This is my living room right here.
This shit.
Next,
do you like to schedule your own day?
'Cause once you have kids,
your day is going to revolve around naps.
If your child skips a nap, they are no longer a child.
They're suddenly a little gremlin
and the more time that progresses,
the more gremlin they become.
So my four year old is at this stage
where he thinks he doesn't need naps anymore.
After the time that he's missed it,
it's always like 5 PM,
he just melts into this puddle of screech.
(screeches)
When my kids skip their naps,
it is 6 PM mandatory bed time.
Like no questions,
you get in bed and count some sheep
even if you don't know how to count.
Neither of my kids knows how to count
but figure it out.
Hold on.
Next, you're going to the bathroom,
and your sunglasses accidentally fall in the toilet
do you pick them up?
'Cause if you do, you're probably ready for kids.
Like this morning,
my one and a half year old woke up.
I like pick him up
and I feel something kinda wet,
so I lay him down and I pull my arm up
and my arm was just like
brown.
It's shit.
It has leaked out the back of his diaper
all onto his back
and so when I picked him up,
I just like squished it all over my arm.
I don't even blink,
I just take some wipes, wipe it off,
get some sanitizer,
rub it on, wash it off with soap.
No harm, no foul.
Just got shit all over my arm, who cares?
I'm really enjoying this enamel glass
because it doesn't show how much
is being drank.
You don't know if my glass is full,
you don't know if it's empty.
I could've only had like two sips this time.
So, how did you do?
I hope you were keeping score.
If you weren't keeping score,
why the fuck are you watching this?
You shouldn't say the F word.
So how did you do?
'Cause if you scored two out of three,
two out of 10.
How many things did I even say?
It doesn't even matter what your score is
because to be honest,
you could be all ready on paper,
nothing is gonna prepare you for actually having kids.
I read probably seven parenting books.
Yeah, it's great,
you need to cut your kid's grapes in half,
that doesn't teach you how to deal with
a certain child's temper tantrum.
One of my son's likes to be patted on the back.
The other one likes to be held and rocked
very very close, there's no book on parenting
that's gonna teach you how to parent your child.
So fuck books,
don't read.
So that's it for now.
I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and if there's anything you want me to talk about,
leave it in the comments
because I read them
and I love to talk about what you guys are interested in.
And to all you people about to comment saying,
oh, this is why I never want kids,
you will have kids.
I was one of those people
and now I have two.
So until next time,
go make some babies.
Goodnight.
(burp)
Gave you a burp, that's what I gave you.