- You're a fucking psychopath.
- Well, you're crazy!
- So my (mumbles) one person...
- He has all these things he wants to say,
one person at a time...
(suspenseful tremolo orchestral strings)
- Cats and dogs.
I mean this is it.
This is the conversation we need to have.
How we've not had this conversation?
Let's have it!
(Triumphant horns and orchestral music)
- I align with kitty cats.
- And I align with doggy dogs.
- I am 100% for dogs.
- 110% for cats.
- My allegiance is with dogs.
- My allegiance is to cats.
- Team cat because fucking duh.
- Team dog because...
I don't even have to argue about this.
We have enough to win the debate.
- Where do I even begin?
Dogs are...
- Man's best friend.
Loyalty, humor, utility.
- They also have these multitude of ways
that they can serve us and enrich our lives.
- Cats don't sniff out bombs.
Cats aren't first responders to 9-11.
Cats aren't guide dogs...
- You're going to bring in 9-11?
- Blind people use dogs to see.
- Well...
- Old people can use dogs...
- They don't see...
- Service dogs are a thing.
I've never heard of a service cat
and if I did, that person is a dumb ass.
- I had a burglar once in my house.
My dog barked the shit out of it.
- A cat will just let a stranger come in
and just take your shit.
- You know what else is like a great utility?
- Is like a car.
A car can like drive you from place to place.
It could be your shelter,
if you go through like a rough patch
and like your girlfriend kicks you out
and you sort of like need some place to live by the beach.
- I hope Henry's okay.
(laughter)
- I've never been to somebody's house and heard
"check out these tricks my cats can do."
I've heard "my cat's around here, somewhere.
"It's around here...It's around here somewhere
"You'll see her. She'll make you sneeze."
- When you are a dog owner, compared to a cat owner,
you're automatically sort of endorses
as a more active lifestyle.
- How do you play with cats?
You just sit on the ground.
The cat leaves for awhile.
- Yeah, you're having social experiences,
but it's only for like a couple moments at a time.
The rest of the time, you're either dragging it around,
or picking up it's shit.
- I will admit, like there's something gross about like,
having to take a dog out,
and like looking at it's butt hole.
But at the same time...
- (laughs) Why are you looking at its butt hole?
- It's right there!
- Neither of my dogs ever shit in the house.
- I know for a fact your dogs have pooped in the house.
- My dogs...
Only when they're sick.
- They fucking are loyal
and they look at me and say
"Jen's great. Jen's really dope."
- If you want somebody who loves you
and will take care of you, will protect you,
and be there when you have a child,
to raise it and be part of the family...
- Hold on. Hold on.
(laughter)
- A cat can live for days without any human interaction.
It's incredible.
- It's just like an awesome accessory to your life.
- You don't get any of the benefits of actually learning
how to take care of something.
- Yeah, that sounds pretty cool.
- You can't just like leave them;
Leave a bowl for your dog if you're just gonna go out
and like have a vision quest in Joshua Tree.
I'm not saying like we endorse peyote here,
but cats are the more peyote friendly.
- Have you ever just started petting a dog?
- They're like the needy friend
who just wants constant reassurance.
"Am I pretty? Am I pretty? Am I pretty?"
Yes dog. You're pretty.
- You continue petting it,
and then it's like
"Do I just do this forever?"
When do you want me to stop?
Have you had enough?
And it's just like looking up at you.
- Cats are soft and they cuddle,
and they make this (purrs).
- Cats are brought to hospitals
because they have healing powers.
They're given to patients
and the purring helps people.
- (Purring)
- I thought there were cats that were in hospitals
that like actually hovered around people
that are about to die.
- Yeah, that too. It's pretty cool.
- (Purring)
- Dogs are just like smelly, filthy,..
- [Girl] They are not.
- Shit walkers.
- Cats, are fucking filthy too,
because you know what?
They got their shitty little paws on your table
by your pad thai.
- You move a couch and cats like shit themselves.
- Yeah, you can move a couch around,
and they're just like
"Fine. The couch is here now.
I'm just sitting here, like lick myself.
You wanna pet me?
Cool, I'm here.
If not, fine. I'm out."
(mumbles) a cuddly belly, sometimes.
- They don't make "Beware of cat" signs.
- People don't have traumatic experiences
by being scratched by a cat.
- No!
That shit draws blood.
- It's never like trying to...
- It draws a lot of fucking blood, okay?
I handle cats with two sweaters on
and a pair of fucking mittens.
I don't play.
- Ancient Egyptians worshiped cats as gods.
They also kept Jews as slaves.
We're going to call that an even point.
- Dogs, most of them have been bred
to not be good at living any more.
Bulldogs, those things like are hardly functioning.
- That is bullshit!
A bulldog is...
- Bulldog shit.
- I just don't really understand what about cats
makes it more sophisticated.
Do you find a lot of rich people with cats?
Like I don't...
- The Westminster Dog Show,
is like the bougiest thing
in the history of bougie things.
- I mean I will concede to the Westminster Dog Show
is like absolutely insane.
- Yeah...
- There's like the section when they coddle the dog's balls,
and the guy's like "Um, firm."
- I never had a litter box
for one year that I lived in Tennessee,
and I lived there 17 years.
- Cool Keith! Cool! Wow!
- This isn't an argument
(Yelling)
- Like I don't own a cat now
because I'm a chill, independent person,
just like living my life and ready for adventure.
(Yelling)
- Have you ever seen a cat vomit?
- Cats don't vomit.
- Yes the fuck they do!
I have a jiff of it.
- I go and I like see my old cat Simon,
who my parents got when I was still in high school.
Pet his furry little belly,
which is so soft Jen.
- 90% of the people who hate cats, are allergic to cats,
and therefore, just have not hung out with cats.
You allergic to cats?
- Mildly allergic.
- There you fucking go!
(yelling)
- (mumbles) I got my notebook...
I look up things, because I don't have my own argument!
- My opponent...
- Okay. All animals vomit.
- Yes!
- Dogs vomit more than cats.
- I highly disagree with that.
- I drove past a dog vomiting on my way to work today.
- Ultimately, you're gonna love murderers,
and I'm gonna love independent little beings,
that admittedly, don't do a lot.
But I kinda like that.
- The lion, the tiger, the snow leopard,
compare them to the available dogs?
And it's clear that cats are better than dogs.
That's it.
- Man or woman's best friend.
They got your back.
- Dogs aren't going to throw you away.
They're going to look at you,
they're going to say
"Hey , I can find something within you that's special
and worth holding on to, and worth caring about."
- All I can say is that I think you're projecting
a little bit (mumbles)
- (mumbles) at all.
- I love cats. They love me.
They're fucking adorable.
- Dogs are always better. Will always be better.
- You know who's man's best friend? Man.
We are a lot better at taking care of ourselves
and we can have a lot more fun with each other.
Wasn't too long ago that you and I were friends.
(Triumphant horns and orchestral music)
- [Voiceover] You don't have to pick up shit
and like get your leg fucked
and whatever else happens with dogs.
- Why would you get your leg fucked?
- I don' t know!
Cause dogs are fucked up!
(laughter)
- It's just so sad what's happening over there.
- Oh yeah.
Hmmm....
You don't know the half of it.
(bossa nova music playing)