(ding)
- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.
My name is Russell and assisting me today will be
Xanax and Zoloft.
I'm here for your safety and they're here for my comfort.
(energetic jazz music)
- I'm doing the safety demo knowing full well
you're all ignoring me.
I might as well be doing the Macarena.
- There's absolutely no way that that's going to fit
in the overhead compartment
but I'm gonna watch you try anyway.
- I'm not a bartender.
So I will not be granting you a Bloody Mary
with Worcestershire sauce.
- Oh, is this your newborn's first time flying?
How could you do that to us?
- There's no turbulence.
I just turned on the seat belt sign because I want you to
stay the hell out of my way.
- Diet soda takes forever to pour.
Here's a regular one.
You won't know the difference.
- Pressing the call button repeatedly
isn't going to make me tend to you any faster.
In fact, it's gonna make me go slower.
(pouring)
- When I said I would check your bag,
that was a courtesy, but you were rude
so now it's going to Baltimore.
- You know that vodka we just ran out of?
We use it to make crew juice in the galley.
- Go ahead, tug my skirt one more time.
I dare you.
- I said pretzels or peanuts.
This isn't an all you can eat buffet, honey.
- I have no idea what we're flying over right now.
So I'll just say the Bahamas.
- Since you blatantly ignored the seat belt sign,
I hope the turbulence knocks you on your ass.
- Oh, you think I'm coming through the cabin
to pick up your trash?
No, I'm crop-dusting.
Enjoy smelling my farts.
(energetic jazz music)