(medieval flute music)
- And with one kiss, I'll be united with my one true love.
Oh.
- My princess, you're more beautiful
than I could've ever imagined.
- Cool, thanks.
- I'm yours forever.
- Like forever, forever?
- Ride with me to Glendalia.
Your castle and our marital chambers await.
- Yeah, I'm good actually.
Yeah I've got a thing with a troll later,
he's trying to put a hex on my sister,
it's like a whole thing.
- But we must be married at once.
Am I not the noble you so desired?
Is it me?
- No, well, yeah, kind of.
- Let me prove my love to you.
My kiss will speak louder than words.
- Okay.
No, I can't, I'm sorry.
I'm super duper gay.
- You don't want to be with me?
- I mean it's not you, you, it's just like... you.
- So I'm just not your type?
- Yeah you could say that.
- Well, what would be your type?
- Like, Rapunzel.
- I can grow my hair out.
- And that's so sweet of you to offer,
I just need certain places to be...
gentler, rounder.
- Maybe you just need to get drunk
on the king's finest wine.
- Yeah, drinking makes me gayer, actually.
- Maybe we could just be good friends
for seven to nine months and let the romantic tension build?
- Yeah I don't think that's gonna happen, buddy.
(sword clangs)
Hey...
There there, come on champ.
Look, you seem great, you're objectively handsome, polite.
I just hoped that when I finally got to kiss my frog
that the person that popped up would have less of a...
- A penis - A penis, yeah.
I'm sorry about all this, I hope
you weren't a frog for too long.
- Oh, a century or two.
- Bummer.
- I've never encountered lady who lays with maidens.
- Really? I doubt that.
- Well perhaps Magda who cares for the horses.
- What kind of shoes does she wear to the stable?
- Homemade low steel-toed boots.
- Gay.
- No, she couldn't possibly.
She's mother's bedwarmer, she's certainly not...
(angelic singing)
Oh my stars.
Mother.
- Listen, I have tons of single of straight maiden
friends I could set you up with.
- Really?
- Yeah, Duchess Gwyneth and Lord Chadwick
just recently cut ties, I can call her for you if you want.
- I would love that very much.
- Yeah.
- Perhaps we could joust and have a goblet sometime.
- Absolutely. Take care.
(deep sigh)
- And what about the witch that hexed me?
- Super gay.
- Splendid!
- Next time on "Lesbian Princess:"
- I hope she's blonde.