- Wait, no, I thought I was here to talk about my problems.
- Yes, heterosexuality is a problem.
(big bang)
(tense menacing music)
Today you're here for straight conversion therapy.
We are of the opinion that heterosexuality
is a mental illness and an addiction
that we need to work through.
- I know that, like, in middle school
I, like, you know, had some boy crazy moments,
but I didn't think it was that bad.
- Let's talk about your childhood.
What we've typically found is that there is some sort
of childhood trauma that has made you straight.
- Um, no.
- You don't think so.
- I've always been straight.
- Watching my parents have a loving relationship.
- Four or five years old, I got a little bit of reputation
on the shool yard for being a heartbreaker.
- Like I was always just attracted to females,
that's just...
- Hmm, that doesn't make any sense to me at all.
- I know.
- There must have been some trauma
that you can't remember then
that we're going to have to bring out here
in these therapy sessions.
I like to tell moms: if you don't hug your sons
some other woman will.
(laughs)
- I mean, I don't think that's the case.
- So what I'd like to do is I'd like to examine
these heterosexual urges you feel.
I've pulled up a picture of a woman here
and I want you to take a look at it.
I have here a picture of a man.
- Well, it's Mila Kunis.
She is stunning.
- She is wearing an especially busty dress.
- Oh my God, I feel like I look at this picture
and I instantly blush (laughs).
- And he has a little, like, nice tan, secret under--
Ahh, my lo--
What?
- Ahh!
- The goal of aversion therapy
is to introduce a negative stimulus.
In the future, when you see a man
you might associate this negative stimulus with that--
- With you springing water on me?
- Okay, so, when I think about hot guys
I'm just gonna get wet.
So that's what you just did to me (laughs).
- It seems like it's doing more permanent mental harm.
- I don't think you springing me with water
is going to prevent me from wanting
to make out with Zac Efron.
- Do we need to try like shocking you?
- Oh, I think this is kind of bull (beep).
- Okay, so finally I wanna try
some behavioral change therapy.
If we encourage homosexual behavior
then the feelings might follow.
- I mean, okay.
- Do you have a cat?
- Oh yeah, lots of cats.
- Okay, you're basically halfway there already.
You should go home
and maybe watch Brokeback Mountain a couple of times.
- Okay (laughs).
- Invite your manfriend over and just see what happens.
- I'm not trying to like hook up with a dude.
- How many flannel shirts?
- Maybe like four, for the winter.
- That's pretty good.
I would recommend maybe getting one or two more
just so you have like one for every day of the week,
you know.
- Okay.
- It sounds like it's really expensive to be gay.
- Maybe try taking up wrestling as a sport.
See how that works.
- What's gay about wrestling?
- I am a l...
- Likable person!
- So I have one more question for you.
Are you gay now?
Did it work?
- No.
- Everything you have said to me today
has had zero effect on my sexuality.
- I like who I like.
That's pretty much all there's to it.
- Reparative therapy views most same-sex attractions
as reparations for childhood trauma.
- I would be pretty offended if someone were to say,
"You are just straight, because you probably got molested
"when you were a kid."
- I think it's a little (beep) up to just assume
that everyone who is gay had like a traumatic childhood.
- Beginning in the 1930s aversion technics were used
to eliminate or diminish an undesired response
by repeatedly pairing the undesired response
with an unpleasant condition.
So basically, they are zapping people
whenever they look at naked people of the same gender.
- I think it would make you afraid to have feelings
about anything.
I don't think that would, like, make you straight.
- I don't think it really works.
I don't think people should be doing it.
It's probably just more harmful.
- I don't see how it could work.
(hopeful music)
- It's here! It's here!
- (shouting) It's here!
- It's here!
- It's here! Get it!
- Get it! - Get it!
- There! - There!
- I think they got it.
Get it!
- Yeah, you get it!
- It's here!