(upbeat music)
- Hi, I'm Hannah,
your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and if you're anything like me
you believe that a glass of wine at eight P.M.
makes you a better mom.
The best part is
you don't even have to have kids
to be a wine mom.
This evening, I'm bringing out something
very, very special.
This was a gift from my mom,
who is also a wine mom.
Her mom was also a wine mom.
So I come from a long legacy of wine moms
and this is almost like passing the torch.
And it says,
"Finally, a wine glass
"that meets my needs."
So technically, it's one glass.
(clinking of glass and wine pouring)
Here's why I'm drinking tonight.
I desperately want a third child,
but I really don't want to be pregnant.
If I didn't have to be pregnant,
I would have, like, five more kids.
I already have two boys,
so, like, if the third was another boy
I feel like I'd just kind of drown
in the testosterone.
It's not the right time.
It's not happening for us right now.
So let's drink.
So that brings us to tonight's topic,
The Best and Werts,
werts.
The Best and Worst Parts
About Being Pregnant
So buckle up your seatbelts
because we're going to go on a wild fucking ride
and if you're a wuss,
get the fuck out.
Including you, Kevin.
- [Kevin] What?
- If you're a wuss.
We'll start on a positive note.
No.
We'll start on a negative note.
First, the pregnancy glow is a lie.
I don't know what kind of women
have this, like,
amazing, beautiful experience.
Oh my God,
I'm so in tune with my body.
I feel like a goddess.
Nothing was beautiful about my pregnancies.
I felt like roadkill the first three months.
A bloated corpse the second three months
and a beached whale the third three months.
No glow.
But if you have a wonderful pregnancy,
I'm very happy for you,
but I kind of fucking hate you.
Enjoy your glow you big bitch.
Next, the.
Next, weird, ass cravings.
So there's some pretty weird cravings.
Like, I know some people crave,
like, laundry detergent
and they want to eat it.
- [Kevin] Is that really a thing?
- Yeah, women crave weird shit
when they're pregnant.
I liked the dryer sheets.
Like the ones that smell like clean linen.
I, just like, wanted to lick them.
It was just, like,
oh my God, get this inside of me,
I need it.
I might have licked the dryer sheet a couple of times,
both pregnancies.
It's like,
it feels like one glass of wine.
Next, free boob job.
Pregnancy is basically, like,
one giant free boob job.
I was a B before I got pregnant
and then I was a double D
before I gave birth.
My husband was not unhappy about this.
Whoo, momma's got D's.
And as a flat chested girl,
that's like the only time
that I've had big boobs.
There was like,
wait, now I know how the other half lives.
I want to go back in time
and do a slow, Bay Watch run
in my double D's on the beach.
Like, just savor that moment forever.
Next, unwarranted touching.
When you have that, like,
cute baby belly towards the end
of your pregnancy,
everybody thinks that suddenly they can touch you.
So I could not go to the Post Office
without some weird man, like,
coming up and rubbing my belly.
And it's always this prolonged touch
with, like, weird noises like
(moaning)
And I'm standing there, like,
are you done?
Can I go?
(moaning)
I feel like it's slowing me down a little bit.
Next, weird dreams.
I don't know if it's the hormones
or the fact that there's, like,
another brain inside of you,
but you have the most vivid dreams
during pregnancy
and that can be either good or bad.
I had one dream that my husband was cheating on me
and it was so vivid and real
that I woke up very angry the next morning
and I couldn't get over it for, like,
a week.
Even though he didn't actually do it
and he would be like,
"I didn't cheat on you.
Why are you mad?"
And I'd be like,
you better make this up to me.
Sometimes the dreams are really graphic,
vivid,
awful,
scary dreams.
But then other mornings I'd wake up
having had a sex dream about Judge Judy
and it's kind of weird.
- [Kevin] What was it like
being with Judge Judy?
- Judge Judy's very generous in bed,
just in case you're wondering.
If you're watching this, Judge Judy,
call me.
Next, pregnancy sex.
I think this is different for everyone,
but for the first two trimesters were great.
It was awesome.
I was just like,
more more more more more.
My husband was the happiest guy on the planet,
but then the third trimester,
I just want you, to like,
with your partner,
try having sex with a watermelon between you.
Like, duct tape it to your stomach
and see how it goes
because that's the third trimester.
And get creative
and you do a lot of side action,
like laying on the side.
I couldn't even deal with, like,
being on my hands and knees
because it was just, like,
this weight pulling you down.
It's like having a dumbbell hanging
from your stomach.
Like, you don't want to get on your hands
and knees like that.
It's not pretty.
It's not comfortable.
It's not good.
So there's a lot of side work.
This is getting gross, okay.
I feel like it aerates it.
I don't know aerating does,
but I've heard it's good.
So last.
Oh, you know what I forgot?
I forgot to say shopping for little clothes.
But in the end,
the best and worst part
(giggling)
the best and worst part
is that you're not going to remember any of it.
I don't remember shit from my pregnancies.
The only reason I'm telling you these things today
is because I wrote them down in a diary.
Your body biologically makes you forget
and then you're going to want to do it
all over again.
So, drink up before you do.
So that's all I got for today.
If you watched this all they way through,
call your mom.
Send her a text.
Tell her you appreciate her
because it sucks being pregnant
and having babies.
She birthed you,
you ungrateful piece of shit.
No, I shouldn't say that.
(laughing)
Better yet, write her a card
because we love that shit.
Until next time,
I'm Hannah,
your friendly neighborhood wine mom.
I'm going to put some plastic wrap on this.
Probably going to refrigerate it
and go to bed and dream of Judge Judy.
(upbeat music)
(burping)
(laughing)
- [Kevin] Nice.
That was a good one.
(burp)
- Oh, they come in twos.
Always.
(upbeat music)