- I'll be the greatest president.
I'm gonna be huge.
Daniel Trunk.
Donald Chump.
It's gonna be huge.
Huge!
Hu-
♫Whine about it
♫Whine about it ♫
Hey everyone.
My name is Matt Bellassai
and welcome to the first snazzy new episode
of season two of Whine About It.
For those of you who don't know,
Whine About It is a weekly video series
where I get drunk in my desk
and complain about stuff
and on this, the first episode of our brand new season
today's topic is,
the worst things about Halloween.
Let's drink.
(music)
(gasping)
Oh my god.
I'm not gonna mess around his season.
We're gonna get right into it.
(music)
OK.
Alright, first of all, Halloween encourages children
to be bigger piles of hot garbage than they already are.
What kind of shit holiday teaches children
it's OK to come to my door and ask for free food.
Any other day, if a kid came to my door asking
for candy dressed as a monster,
I'd mace 'em right in the face.
Right in the chubby little face.
I don't care how old you are.
You want candy, why don't you get a job.
Then you go down to the CVS
and look the cashier right in the face
while you buy a whole bag of jumbo Kit Kats for yourself.
Alright? That's how adults get candy.
Why don't you try that instead.
Next, bite-sized candy.
Whoever invented bite-sized candy probably invented
a whole bunch of other disappointing things
like four inch dildos
or grapes with the seeds in them still
or Switzerland.
What's the point?
Look at this.
What kind of hole is this gonna fill?
Huh?
Not this one.
Not today.
Give your big candy bar
and I will show you something real special.
Then there's all these old ladies
who give out pennies or fruit instead of candy.
If you're not going to give out candy,
you need to move up on the free food hierarchy, not down.
How about a nice glazed ham
with side of mashed sweet potatoes.
Huh? Have you even thought about that?
Instead of your penny.
How about a warm jambalaya?
(bleep sound)
your apple.
If I wanted an apple, I'd go down to the barn
steal from the horses.
That's where I get my apples from.
Next, Halloween parties.
Halloween parties are as wet, disgusting, sweaty,
thigh-slamming messes.
Everybody used to dress like Spiderman, little princesses
and now look at everyone.
All everyone does is get drunk and sweaty
and try to get their Tootsie Rolls
to tickle some Laffy Taffys.
Just rubbing around their pieces of candy
around one another.
If I wanted to watch Dora The Explorer,
grind upon Spongebob Squarepants,
I'd go right on the internet.
You find that, you find that right on the internet.
Alright? I've seen it.
I don't need to see that in person.
That's disgusting.
Also, bros who try too hard
to show off their glistening tan meat bags.
Alright we get it.
You drank a protein shake once.
But if I see one more fraternity brother dressed as
that guy from 300,
just so he could just show off his left pec,
I'll take out my earrings
and I'll slap a bitch right across the face.
That is Sparta.
And finally, candy corn.
Candy corn is Satan's hardened earwax.
The only people who like candy corn are people
who eat hard-boiled eggs
with a little bit of the shell on them still.
That's the kind of people who eat candy corn.
The people who bring candy corn into our office
like it's some kind of good delicious treat
when it's not.
(woman screaming)
I don't want your candy corn.
Don't ever bring this into our office again.
Ugh!
Alright everybody.
Thank you for watching this week.
As always, you can find our videos every week
at our Whine About It dot Tumblr dot com
and my page which is Facebook dot com slash BuzzFeed Matt
and that's it.
That's everything.
♫Whine about it
Have a happy Halloween.
♫Whine about it
♫Whine about it ♫
(coughing)
♫It's Halloween. It's Halloween
♫Everybody gets Halloween ♫
(laughing)