- I want to get away from discrediting my opponent
and get back to discrediting waffles.
- I wish you would just call me Keith.
We're friends, Chris.
- Keith, not in the arena we aren't.
- Waffles, pancakes, both great breakfast foods.
Who says you've got to choose?
I do, I say so.
So pick a side because it's about to get crazy in here.
Waffles, pancakes, it's debatable.
(regal music)
- Pro-waffle.
- And I'm pro-pancake.
- Proud waffle supporter.
- Flap jacks are the essence of breakfast food.
- The waffles are the only way to use Bisquick batter.
- Team pancake.
- Did you know the waffle iron was brought over here
from France by Thomas Jefferson?
A founding father and the third president
of the United States of America.
There is simply no argument against that.
It's presidential.
- That's a nice fact you came up with
and normally--
- I didn't come up with it, it's a fact.
- Waffle is about separation, deconstructing the food,
and appreciating the ingredients as they are.
Not about mixing and matching.
- It's all going in your belly, man.
- You want part of the rip to be crunchy
and part of the rip to be soft.
That's what bread products are all about.
- There's no way around it.
A waffle is a better vehicle to appreciate the topping
and also appreciate the piece of breakfast food itself.
All these crevices, waiting to be filled.
And what's more fun than filling a crevice?
- You pour the syrup on this, the syrup pools
in these things.
They don't soak nicely into the waffle.
- You can put bananas in there,
you can enjoy each little piece, I mean--
- You can build a little house out of it.
What are you doing playing with your food?
Eat your breakfast, bro.
- Just like pancakes, you can stack them.
Typically you don't because you normally just have one
big old fucking waffle.
You can stack it with berries, whipped cream.
You can also serve it with fried chicken.
I mean, come on!
- Have you ever tried to clean a waffle iron,
by the way?
- I have.
- You've cleaned a waffle iron?
- Here's the trick--
- Look in that camera and say you've cleaned a waffle iron.
Because it is the worst fucking thing on the planet.
- You do have to have a waffle iron to make waffles
but then you get to have a waffle iron.
And you get to put so many other fun things
in that waffle iron.
Everybody's got a fucking skillet.
A skillet, listen to the name, a skillet.
- Wow, wow, listen to this.
Sorry, "everybody has a skillet,"
"everybody has a waffle iron."
We're not the one percent, Keith.
- When was the last time you made yourself a waffle?
- I was just a boy.
- It's been years!
- But same for pancakes, oh no, I've made a pancake
slightly more recently.
- See? See?
- Because I don't have a waffle iron.
- Exactly! Exactly!
You can make a pancake whenever!
(regal music)
- It's 1849, you're gold panning with a couple buddies.
You just came out from the east, what are you
going to cook around the campfire?
- The 99% make pancakes, okay?
We make them in the forest.
We make them in our houses.
We make some with our friends and our family.
- Pancake is the ideal food for the working man.
The waffle might as well put Mitt Romney's
fucking face on that thing, man.
- Let's see, where can we associate waffles with?
Belgium.
Where can we associate pancakes with?
Every country in the goddamn world.
- That cannot be true.
That cannot be true.
That can't be true.
- There's lots of ways to make a pancake.
You obviously just don't know how to make pancakes.
- All right, you can make your best crispy pancake
and put that up against the best crispy waffle
and I guarantee you that waffle is going to still
have that crunch factor.
- Crispy is not a good thing early in the morning
when you're soaking something in syrup.
You don't want it to be crispy because it will not
in fact get soaked then.
It'll just sort of pool around.
- Dance on the outside which is the idea.
- No! That's not what you want!
- With pancakes they're brilliant because you can
cook in effortlessly bananas, chocolate chips, pecans,
blueberries.
- Effortlessly?!
- Effortlessly.
- Effortlessly?
- Yeah, you chop up a banana, you throw it in.
You don't need to like, "Can you waffle it?" video.
- You can embed fruits and sweets inside a pancake.
You try and do that with a waffle?
You are throwing away your waffle iron.
I guarantee it.
- You have to admit that the point of this is to get
the syrup in an edible way into your mouth.
- Sometimes I eat waffles with just butter.
I don't always put syrup on there.
- You are a barbarian!
- This morning I conducted a Google search
for fun pancakes, cool pancakes.
For cool pancakes, I got a spider.
I got this thing.
- That isn't real.
Whatever that is is fake.
That is clearly made on a computer.
- Then I Googled cool waffles and
it came back with this.
- I've never seen this chart before.
He fabricated this chart.
(regal music)
- Waffles are the Marie Antoinette of breakfast foods.
- Yeah.
- They are aristocratic, unnecessarily fancy,
too expensive for the French people.
This is the bread that the French people need.
- If you're an outside dancer, you're a waffle man.
If you're an inside soaker, you're a pancake lady.
- When you have a flapjack or have a pancake,
you're essentially saying, "I'm okay with breakfast."
When you're having a waffle, you're saying,
"I'm looking forward to breakfast."
- You know, the stuff-ability and that they are
a food of the people.
- Now, we've put out a lot of points today
and we've talked about continental breakfast
but I think there's one thing we can both agree on
better than pancakes and waffles,
Waterslides. - Waterslides.
(regal music)
- Man, this is really hard to hit by pancake.
- Pull!
- Okay, well.