(light rock music)
- [Voiceover] While out for an ale at The Flatted Crossbow,
Princess Brittania's heart was pierced with Cupid's arrow.
But the hope of new love does little
to erase the past of evil exes.
Some shadows you never escape.
- (in a devil's voice) Britannia!
(heavy rock music) It's been ages!
- Hurndia,
hardly recognized you, new horns or--
- I just got them (mumbles).
- Cool, cool, cool.
Um, so what've you been up to?
- Oh my gosh, I've been busy as a monk.
I got a new dragon,
crushed a princess to death by a spindle,
you know, a hex here, a hex there.
- Yup, the usual, cool.
You still dating what's-her-face?
- No. (tisks)
- She was seeing Mog, who tends the stables, behind my back.
So I burnt down her castle and slaughtered all her horses.
- You know, I heard about that and instantly I was like,
that was Hurndia.
I thought that was you.
- It was. - Cool.
- What are looking for? Oh!
I see an ogre I need to scorn
to a lifetime of being swarmed by bees.
(in a devil's voice) Don't move.
Gerardo!
No, you walk away from me--
- Thank heavens, I thought you had left me.
- Impossible, numbing spell.
- T'was that your old flame?
- Yup.
- I always envisioned her to be more--
- Ugly, less hot? - Yeah.
- Why did you two cut ties?
- Ooh, where to begin.
She was incredibly jealous--
- Kill her.
- Like,
right now?
- Like, right now, Neil! - Okay.
- She was incredibly self-obsessed.
Hey, you ready to go?
- I am the fairest of them all.
- Okay.
I always had this sneaking suspicion
that when she was mad at me, she was trying to poison me.
- Thanks, but I'm actually allergic to apples.
- Damn it to hell!
- Why did you court for so long?
- I don't know,
maybe I just didn't think I deserved better.
(moving piano music)
(glass breaking)
- Oh hell, do you remember that horseman who wooed me
at the Harpkin Chateau, yes.
He's here.
Do I look the plague?
- You look great.
- Apologies for the delay,
it turns out their is more than one way to skin a cat.
- I hope that was strictly metaphorical.
- It wasn't, shall we share a pint
and listen to all my problems while I have no interest
in hearing any of yours?
- Actually, Hurndia,
I'm busy.
- (laughter) That's adorable but,
see I have all this power over you, so,
or you chat with me.
- You know what fine.
Conjure up a spell to paralyze me,
kill my pet goat, Francis. - Francis was 11.
- Poison me again.
- Who told you that was poison in there?
- I'm no longer captive to your darkness.
- We'll see about that.
We'll, we'll see, (ticking)
Brittania?
Brittania, Brittania? - Did you hex her?
- No worse, I told her the truth.
- What, you think you can do better than me?
Look at this!
Look at all of this!
- How'd it go with the Bill?
- Someone killed all of the horses in the castle,
so he's quite mournful. - Oh.
Two cauldron waters for me
and my best hand-maiden, please.
- Oh, thanks Princess B.
- Damn it.
Rot.
- To true love.
- To a different political system
that offers upward mobility. (clink)
Bring on the good stuff. - Yeah.
I don't think it's syphilis.
- [Woman With Hood] Honey wine please, thank you.
Brittania.
- Hey Jessfethat.
- [Voiceover] And so, the spell of her former flame broken,
the princess and her loyal comrade dined.
- (laughter)I think you just like,
don't know how funny you are.
- [Voiceover] And done. - I think you really
understand that-- - And done.
- Satire.
(heavy rock music)